i haven't gone out at all this weekend, but it's not like i've been studying hardcore either... yesterday morning was actually pretty miserable - i had a nice little cry (or a bad little cry) because i was overwhelmed and my studying list was really scary. but i pulled myself together, grabbed some books & notes, and went to school for a while. then i came home for dinner and studied for a couple hours here. this morning we went to church; just got back a little while ago. i have lots more to do, of course. but i'm looking at photos that some 2nd years posted on facebook: somebody's house party, people in cute clothes, then people on the subway, then at a club that's obviously in new york.. stuff like that. and it made me feel both kinda lame but also kinda above all that, too. it's weird. i really enjoy hanging out with people, talking, laughing, yadda yadda. but i also don't like the really fake feeling of going out sometimes. don't get me wrong, i think it's fine to go out just to go out, to get out of your routine, that's all good times. it's more that whole thing of convincing yourselves that a place is cool just because you're drinking, or because it's crowded or, even worse, because it's "in the city." i keep going back and forth on this... i miss new york, a lot, but mainly because there were about a million different things you could do there, and you could go to a place with whatever style or mood you wanted. i have enjoyed going out here, but only when it was with good people, and only when we actually went somewhere fun (e.g. the dinner at evelyn's + dancing at club night). the house parties bore the hell out of me, with their beer pong and flip cup and shit. i'd much rather go listen to some cool music and/or go dancing. the problem with that, though, is that it takes so much effort: dressing up, getting someone to drive... and taking multiple trains to the city? forget it - i did that enough this past year, it takes forever. the house parties are much more low-maintenance, but they're not even worth the trouble of leaving the house. so we're left with... uh, nothing. because i'm not into suburban beer fun, and i'm too tired to actually go somewhere cool. nice work, lame-o med student rula... i think i'll just go out to eat instead. food is better than alcohol. :)
in other news - this week is going to be more of the same awesome boring-ness, but it's because i'm saving up: i'm flying to pittsburgh on friday for a long weekend with andrew. two of his best friends are getting married (yup, to each other) and then we're going to visit his family and check out the folkfest.
and all the studying will be completely worth it...
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
a week in the life.
well, it's the end of the week finally, and i haven't written here since monday.
it's funny, because things went both ways: i've been really busy, but i've also been sitting on my bum a lot. :)
i guess that is the nature of being in med school, haha... we're either sitting for long hours or standing for them!
***
essentially my days go something like this:
i wake up sometime between 7:30 and 8:30. shower, get dressed, eat breakfast. even when i'm 'on time,' i usually end up running late. :) grab some coffee, drive aggressively to school, and walk the five miles from the parking lot.
i sit in biochem lecture for either one or two hours. this involves listening most of the time, frowning with confusion sometimes, highlighting my notes a lot, and exchanging whispered comments with the girls (yeah, my little clique, haha). we pretty much always sit together, if possible, and it makes school more tolerable.
at noon, i grab my lunch and hang out with the girls for an hour, venting about school. occasionally i'll go to a meeting.
after lunch there's anatomy lecture. we're in the same place (main lecture hall) as we were for biochem, so this room gets really tiring. sometimes we have a lecturer i like: seiden, moorman... and sometimes mulheron lectures, and i want to kill myself. so, they talk about body parts for a while (1 - 2.5 hrs) then dismiss us for lab.
we all head upstairs to our lockers, and then starts the mass flurry of people opening their lockers and pulling out (dirty) scrubs and (really nasty) lab coats. most of us have paired up with a friend to share lockers: we'll make one the "clean" locker, for putting our books & clothes in, while the other is the "dirty" locker, for scrubs, lab coats, lab shoes. the dirty locker is, inevitably, horrid-smelling -- hence why you want to share.
some people find small group rooms to change in, going behind doors & curtains. i just change in the hallway, which is what most of the guys do. ::shrug:: i guess i'm not super-concerned about it, haha. but if paul stein (director of teaching labs) catches me doing that, i'll be slaughtered... :p
anyway. we then all head into the lab, which is split into two parts: the main anatomy lab, where all the cadavers are, and what's called the 'small lab,' a little offshoot where you can use computer programs, skeletons & models, and look at prosected cadavers. we each rotate into that lab once every three anatomy days, so that we end up doing two days of dissection for one day of small lab.
lab is sometimes ok, sometimes pretty wretched, and sometimes it's actually - gasp - pretty awesome.
when it's wretched, it's because you've spent 2.5 hours digging through tissue to find this one elusive thing that you really couldn't give two shits about, and honestly, if it's that important to know it, you could've spent the last few hours studying it in an atlas. bleh.
when it's awesome - it's because we're examining really cool aspects of the human body, and see how it all fits together, with the amazingly intricate details. and when you find that artery or nerve you've been digging for, there's this thrill of victory that's hilarious to think about: we're all like, "yes!!! i found the axillary nerve!" it's pretty damn nerdy. ;)
after lab, we strip off our scrubs as quickly as possible, change back into normal clothes, and usually people head home / to the gym / somewhere that's not school... i think it's kinda difficult to stay there when you feel generally icky and tired. but we'll often come back to study in the evenings. typically, i'll run any errands i need to, head home for dinner, and either study at home or meet up with people at school.
by the end of the week (and by that, i mean thursday), people are ready to go out... so they'll often get a group together, or send an email, or pass the message along, that we're celebrating so-and-so's birthday on thursday, and we're going out to this bar on friday, and who'll be driving, and blah blah. since it's basically like high school, with ~160 in our class, most people know each other, or at least recognize them.
the weekends are for more going out and, of course, lots of studying, because that's our time to catch up on sleep and catch up on school. all that reading and lab notes and practice quizzes? yeah, a good deal of it ends up being pushed to the weekend, because our evenings are so full of just keeping up with that day's lectures, and prepping for the next day's dissection.
***
so. that's my life right now, pretty much. sounds incredibly exciting, doesn't it? i know, you all envy this glamorous existence... hahaha.
besides the usual, other stuff i did this week:
joined another club (Salud)
interviewed for an e-board position (HIPHOP)
applied to another e-board position (AMSA)
woke up early twice to study
watched videos of dissections to prepare
got splattered with human tissue
nearly fell asleep reading 100 pages of anatomy
interviewed a standardized patient with acid reflux
took a HIPAA quiz, for the third time
learned how to take blood pressure, but couldn't actually hear anything
got a tetanus shot that made my arm feel like i've been beaten up
saw my uncle, visiting from lebanon, whom i haven't seen in three years.. but only for ~2 hrs, because i had to study
and
chatted with a third-year who assured me that it only gets worse
yeaaah.
to be honest, i waver a lot these days between being super-optimistic and determined about things, wanting to learn and grow and mature and become super-awesome... and being sort of depressed at what has become my life, and how it's going to continue.
but i've decided to adopt, as my personal philosophy for now, something that my friend & classmate caroline said, as we noted that life would be hell for the next four years, and then at least four years of residency:
so all i have to do is convince myself that this will be loads of fun... :)
well, kids, i'd love to stick around, but my to-do list of eight large segments to study is beckoning... actually, it's yanking on my hair...
it's funny, because things went both ways: i've been really busy, but i've also been sitting on my bum a lot. :)
i guess that is the nature of being in med school, haha... we're either sitting for long hours or standing for them!
***
essentially my days go something like this:
i wake up sometime between 7:30 and 8:30. shower, get dressed, eat breakfast. even when i'm 'on time,' i usually end up running late. :) grab some coffee, drive aggressively to school, and walk the five miles from the parking lot.
i sit in biochem lecture for either one or two hours. this involves listening most of the time, frowning with confusion sometimes, highlighting my notes a lot, and exchanging whispered comments with the girls (yeah, my little clique, haha). we pretty much always sit together, if possible, and it makes school more tolerable.
at noon, i grab my lunch and hang out with the girls for an hour, venting about school. occasionally i'll go to a meeting.
after lunch there's anatomy lecture. we're in the same place (main lecture hall) as we were for biochem, so this room gets really tiring. sometimes we have a lecturer i like: seiden, moorman... and sometimes mulheron lectures, and i want to kill myself. so, they talk about body parts for a while (1 - 2.5 hrs) then dismiss us for lab.
we all head upstairs to our lockers, and then starts the mass flurry of people opening their lockers and pulling out (dirty) scrubs and (really nasty) lab coats. most of us have paired up with a friend to share lockers: we'll make one the "clean" locker, for putting our books & clothes in, while the other is the "dirty" locker, for scrubs, lab coats, lab shoes. the dirty locker is, inevitably, horrid-smelling -- hence why you want to share.
some people find small group rooms to change in, going behind doors & curtains. i just change in the hallway, which is what most of the guys do. ::shrug:: i guess i'm not super-concerned about it, haha. but if paul stein (director of teaching labs) catches me doing that, i'll be slaughtered... :p
anyway. we then all head into the lab, which is split into two parts: the main anatomy lab, where all the cadavers are, and what's called the 'small lab,' a little offshoot where you can use computer programs, skeletons & models, and look at prosected cadavers. we each rotate into that lab once every three anatomy days, so that we end up doing two days of dissection for one day of small lab.
lab is sometimes ok, sometimes pretty wretched, and sometimes it's actually - gasp - pretty awesome.
when it's wretched, it's because you've spent 2.5 hours digging through tissue to find this one elusive thing that you really couldn't give two shits about, and honestly, if it's that important to know it, you could've spent the last few hours studying it in an atlas. bleh.
when it's awesome - it's because we're examining really cool aspects of the human body, and see how it all fits together, with the amazingly intricate details. and when you find that artery or nerve you've been digging for, there's this thrill of victory that's hilarious to think about: we're all like, "yes!!! i found the axillary nerve!" it's pretty damn nerdy. ;)
after lab, we strip off our scrubs as quickly as possible, change back into normal clothes, and usually people head home / to the gym / somewhere that's not school... i think it's kinda difficult to stay there when you feel generally icky and tired. but we'll often come back to study in the evenings. typically, i'll run any errands i need to, head home for dinner, and either study at home or meet up with people at school.
by the end of the week (and by that, i mean thursday), people are ready to go out... so they'll often get a group together, or send an email, or pass the message along, that we're celebrating so-and-so's birthday on thursday, and we're going out to this bar on friday, and who'll be driving, and blah blah. since it's basically like high school, with ~160 in our class, most people know each other, or at least recognize them.
the weekends are for more going out and, of course, lots of studying, because that's our time to catch up on sleep and catch up on school. all that reading and lab notes and practice quizzes? yeah, a good deal of it ends up being pushed to the weekend, because our evenings are so full of just keeping up with that day's lectures, and prepping for the next day's dissection.
***
so. that's my life right now, pretty much. sounds incredibly exciting, doesn't it? i know, you all envy this glamorous existence... hahaha.
besides the usual, other stuff i did this week:
joined another club (Salud)
interviewed for an e-board position (HIPHOP)
applied to another e-board position (AMSA)
woke up early twice to study
watched videos of dissections to prepare
got splattered with human tissue
nearly fell asleep reading 100 pages of anatomy
interviewed a standardized patient with acid reflux
took a HIPAA quiz, for the third time
learned how to take blood pressure, but couldn't actually hear anything
got a tetanus shot that made my arm feel like i've been beaten up
saw my uncle, visiting from lebanon, whom i haven't seen in three years.. but only for ~2 hrs, because i had to study
and
chatted with a third-year who assured me that it only gets worse
yeaaah.
to be honest, i waver a lot these days between being super-optimistic and determined about things, wanting to learn and grow and mature and become super-awesome... and being sort of depressed at what has become my life, and how it's going to continue.
but i've decided to adopt, as my personal philosophy for now, something that my friend & classmate caroline said, as we noted that life would be hell for the next four years, and then at least four years of residency:
when the light at the tunnel is really far away, you're better off just learning to enjoy the tunnel.
so all i have to do is convince myself that this will be loads of fun... :)
well, kids, i'd love to stick around, but my to-do list of eight large segments to study is beckoning... actually, it's yanking on my hair...
Monday, August 20, 2007
damn you, monday.
start of another week... it's actually sort of depressing.
after this weekend, i felt prepared to take on what was next. i'd gotten enough rest, i caught up on studying, i'd relaxed and re-energized. you know... weekend things.
but now, i feel completely overwhelmed again... lots of new biochem, and tons of new anatomy material to learn. meetings to attend. projects to discuss. i don't feel very organized about the whole thing - i don't know where to start.
and the fact that there are a million resources (books, online materials, computer programs, etc.) that i could potentially use isn't very reassuring - it's actually more frightening to me, because it makes me feel that i can't possibly learn it all.
jenny's right, though - i haven't yet gotten into my 'routine' of studying. that is, i don't know yet what'll work best for me, whether it's reading the anatomy text, watching the dissection videos, using resources together, whatever.
also, we're not even close to exam time. so right now, i have time to learn. later, it'll be crunch-time, but not now. :) so i'm staying away from the anal-retentive people, haha - they just make me paranoid.
here's the problem, though - i'm feeling a fever coming on. and i should grab coffee & start studying, but i'm so tired, i really just want to take a nap.
we'll see. i guess, in the end, i have to do what's best for myself...
after this weekend, i felt prepared to take on what was next. i'd gotten enough rest, i caught up on studying, i'd relaxed and re-energized. you know... weekend things.
but now, i feel completely overwhelmed again... lots of new biochem, and tons of new anatomy material to learn. meetings to attend. projects to discuss. i don't feel very organized about the whole thing - i don't know where to start.
and the fact that there are a million resources (books, online materials, computer programs, etc.) that i could potentially use isn't very reassuring - it's actually more frightening to me, because it makes me feel that i can't possibly learn it all.
jenny's right, though - i haven't yet gotten into my 'routine' of studying. that is, i don't know yet what'll work best for me, whether it's reading the anatomy text, watching the dissection videos, using resources together, whatever.
also, we're not even close to exam time. so right now, i have time to learn. later, it'll be crunch-time, but not now. :) so i'm staying away from the anal-retentive people, haha - they just make me paranoid.
here's the problem, though - i'm feeling a fever coming on. and i should grab coffee & start studying, but i'm so tired, i really just want to take a nap.
we'll see. i guess, in the end, i have to do what's best for myself...
Friday, August 17, 2007
thank god it's friday.
...too bad it's storming like crazy.
we're supposed to be at two different parties tonight - hope this weather clears up!
first, a 'margarita mixer' (what?) which the entire school will probably attend, and then, christiaan's 25th birthday - he's our gay boyfriend. ;)
hmm, i actually sort of feel like studying right now. or maybe i'm in a reading mood, in which case i'd rather read harry potter.
dudes, i'm so behind - it's been two weeks since i last opened it! guess that's what happens when you start med school, haha...
how you know you've crossed the threshold from normal person to med student:
a dinner conversation about cutting people open doesn't gross you out anymore.
weird.
we're supposed to be at two different parties tonight - hope this weather clears up!
first, a 'margarita mixer' (what?) which the entire school will probably attend, and then, christiaan's 25th birthday - he's our gay boyfriend. ;)
hmm, i actually sort of feel like studying right now. or maybe i'm in a reading mood, in which case i'd rather read harry potter.
dudes, i'm so behind - it's been two weeks since i last opened it! guess that's what happens when you start med school, haha...
how you know you've crossed the threshold from normal person to med student:
a dinner conversation about cutting people open doesn't gross you out anymore.
weird.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
a good day.
today mom asked me how my day was, just as she does every day.
and my response was different. i was finally able to say, today was a good day. today was a lot better than it's been all week... thank God.
there are so many reasons that today felt better.
i got enough sleep last night, but i don't think that was it.. i still felt exhausted today.
the day just went better. things made sense. i understood what was going on. i didn't feel behind. and i didn't feel nearly as overwhelmed as i have before.
biochem lecture was actually tolerable, not torturous at all. dr. patel was talking about enzymes -- not the most interesting of topics, right? -- but she made it very clear, didn't rush through things, explained them well. and it made a big difference. i actually had this moment where i was like, oh wow! that's how enzymes actually work and it was pretty cool, if extremely nerdy. :)
i didn't eat very much at lunch because i'd had this knot in my stomach all day, and after talking to caroline, i finally realized what it was... we were just plain nervous. it was like my entire body knew what was coming this afternoon.
but it was all for naught.
we went into anatomy lecture, and dr. seiden was up front. sweet, i thought, i like his lectures.
and then he proceeded to give the most interesting, straightforward, and useful lecture we've had in anatomy thus far. it wasn't mindblowing in any way... it was more like, everything suddenly clicked. he actually made the material easier. instead of memorizing charts of muscle functions, he said, think of it this way: and he explained how to examine a muscle and figure it out.
incredible! that made a *huge* difference for me. by the end i was actually nodding enthusiastically and saying to myself, oh wow, that makes sense, very cool.
i mean, what?! "very cool"? since when do i describe anything in anatomy as "very cool"?
the surprises of today didn't end there, either.
we went to anatomy lab next, actually getting there early. our goal was to identify the intermediate muscles of the back and to remove a section of the vertebral column.
i started out doing ok... clearing off some of the muscles, cutting where i needed to... although i didn't appreciate my lab group member, mr. no emotion, once again telling me not to be so "delicate." seriously, dude, screw you.
i did every part of the dissection as i was supposed to, working with the other three to go deeper into the back and examine more layers of muscles. and then we were working on the vertebral column, to take part of it out so that we could see the spinal cord below.
parts of it were still really uncomfortable - for example, watching people pound chisels into the cadavers' spines. but even worse was mr. no emotion encouraging another guy to take a swing with the hammer and "crack that shit!"
are you kidding me? this isn't a football game, and we're not having beer and wings. have some fucking respect, dude. yeah, he still pisses me off...
but i had to set that aside, because something really remarkable happened. we were standing around our cadaver, peering into the spinal column, when robert exclaimed that we were doing "the most exciting thing of our lives thus far." at first i sort of scoffed at that. but he was like, "think about this - we're holding the spinal cord in our hands. when have we ever done anything like this?"
it was true. we were holding the spinal cord. it was sort of unbelievable.
and then dr. crystal (one of our instructors, a surgeon-turned-professor) came over and, in a matter of less than ten minutes, showed us every structure of the spinal nerves, from the spinal cord out. absolutely amazing. he stepped back and was like, there you go, that's everything you need to know.
that's when i start to really get excited... i'm thinking to myself, holy crap, that's the ventral root and that's the dorsal root ganglion and that's the ventral & dorsal rami! that is what they look like in real life, not in a textbook diagram, or even in a finely detailed illustrated atlas. this is REAL.
and holy crap again. that is what spinal nerves look like. that's where they connect to other nerves in the back. we've never seen anything like this in our lives! there's nothing you can even compare it to.
it was just amazing. and i really started to appreciate it today, because the whole time i was thinking -- even when this feels uncomfortable, even when i get a little queasy and have to step away, even when i can't handle the other people standing around me -- this is so, so valuable. this is the most extraordinary learning experience, and i'm so thankful that people actually give us their bodies so that we can do this.
i mean, how does that happen? why do they decide to do it? i really don't know, and i want to know. because i am finally understanding what it's all about. i'm realizing why it's so important, and i just didn't get that before.
i don't know what it was, specifically, about today that made things so much better for me. maybe it's a matter of me 'getting used to it.' maybe it's that i had some really wonderful teachers to help me. maybe it's because things were interesting, i was enlightened, and somehow it clicked.
because i was no longer thinking about the enormous amount i still need to learn.
i was thinking about how fascinating things were, right in front of me.
and my response was different. i was finally able to say, today was a good day. today was a lot better than it's been all week... thank God.
there are so many reasons that today felt better.
i got enough sleep last night, but i don't think that was it.. i still felt exhausted today.
the day just went better. things made sense. i understood what was going on. i didn't feel behind. and i didn't feel nearly as overwhelmed as i have before.
biochem lecture was actually tolerable, not torturous at all. dr. patel was talking about enzymes -- not the most interesting of topics, right? -- but she made it very clear, didn't rush through things, explained them well. and it made a big difference. i actually had this moment where i was like, oh wow! that's how enzymes actually work and it was pretty cool, if extremely nerdy. :)
i didn't eat very much at lunch because i'd had this knot in my stomach all day, and after talking to caroline, i finally realized what it was... we were just plain nervous. it was like my entire body knew what was coming this afternoon.
but it was all for naught.
we went into anatomy lecture, and dr. seiden was up front. sweet, i thought, i like his lectures.
and then he proceeded to give the most interesting, straightforward, and useful lecture we've had in anatomy thus far. it wasn't mindblowing in any way... it was more like, everything suddenly clicked. he actually made the material easier. instead of memorizing charts of muscle functions, he said, think of it this way: and he explained how to examine a muscle and figure it out.
incredible! that made a *huge* difference for me. by the end i was actually nodding enthusiastically and saying to myself, oh wow, that makes sense, very cool.
i mean, what?! "very cool"? since when do i describe anything in anatomy as "very cool"?
the surprises of today didn't end there, either.
we went to anatomy lab next, actually getting there early. our goal was to identify the intermediate muscles of the back and to remove a section of the vertebral column.
i started out doing ok... clearing off some of the muscles, cutting where i needed to... although i didn't appreciate my lab group member, mr. no emotion, once again telling me not to be so "delicate." seriously, dude, screw you.
i did every part of the dissection as i was supposed to, working with the other three to go deeper into the back and examine more layers of muscles. and then we were working on the vertebral column, to take part of it out so that we could see the spinal cord below.
parts of it were still really uncomfortable - for example, watching people pound chisels into the cadavers' spines. but even worse was mr. no emotion encouraging another guy to take a swing with the hammer and "crack that shit!"
are you kidding me? this isn't a football game, and we're not having beer and wings. have some fucking respect, dude. yeah, he still pisses me off...
but i had to set that aside, because something really remarkable happened. we were standing around our cadaver, peering into the spinal column, when robert exclaimed that we were doing "the most exciting thing of our lives thus far." at first i sort of scoffed at that. but he was like, "think about this - we're holding the spinal cord in our hands. when have we ever done anything like this?"
it was true. we were holding the spinal cord. it was sort of unbelievable.
and then dr. crystal (one of our instructors, a surgeon-turned-professor) came over and, in a matter of less than ten minutes, showed us every structure of the spinal nerves, from the spinal cord out. absolutely amazing. he stepped back and was like, there you go, that's everything you need to know.
that's when i start to really get excited... i'm thinking to myself, holy crap, that's the ventral root and that's the dorsal root ganglion and that's the ventral & dorsal rami! that is what they look like in real life, not in a textbook diagram, or even in a finely detailed illustrated atlas. this is REAL.
and holy crap again. that is what spinal nerves look like. that's where they connect to other nerves in the back. we've never seen anything like this in our lives! there's nothing you can even compare it to.
it was just amazing. and i really started to appreciate it today, because the whole time i was thinking -- even when this feels uncomfortable, even when i get a little queasy and have to step away, even when i can't handle the other people standing around me -- this is so, so valuable. this is the most extraordinary learning experience, and i'm so thankful that people actually give us their bodies so that we can do this.
i mean, how does that happen? why do they decide to do it? i really don't know, and i want to know. because i am finally understanding what it's all about. i'm realizing why it's so important, and i just didn't get that before.
i don't know what it was, specifically, about today that made things so much better for me. maybe it's a matter of me 'getting used to it.' maybe it's that i had some really wonderful teachers to help me. maybe it's because things were interesting, i was enlightened, and somehow it clicked.
because i was no longer thinking about the enormous amount i still need to learn.
i was thinking about how fascinating things were, right in front of me.
every day feels like a thousand days.
first things first.
to my livejournal readers: thank you all, so very much, for your kind and thoughtful comments on my post yesterday. you have no idea how much that means to me. honestly. these aren't just words. they are a deep and resonating reassurance that i desperately need these days.
i need to know that people believe in me. i need to know that i can do this. i need to know that it'll get better, and that i'll actually enjoy it sometimes, and that it'll be ok. and that it'll be worth it in the end.
i appreciate all of your encouragement and your very, very flattering words to me.
because this whole thing, the entire experience, can be so disheartening.
i mean, imagine it this way.
i was at school today from around 10 to 5 - went to a family friend's birthday party - studied on my own for an hour - then had a study group from 8 to 10:30. doesn't sound too long, does it? yet it seriously wipes you out.
man, i've never felt so much exhaustion in my life... well, maybe when i had mono. (you guys remember that? spring of 2005. what a shitty time that illness was, haha.) my whole body is aching. i've been tired the entire day! it just never stops.
i came home and, half-serious, half-laughing, complained to my mother that i "don't want to go to school tomorrow." she hugged me and we laughed. i ended up curled up on the floor, groaning "why? why am i doing this? dad, seriously. is medicine worth it?" and i'm laughing, but i'm also serious.
***
i have all these crazy thoughts... there's a constant undercurrent of both depression and overwhelmingness. (jesus, is that even a noun? great, now i'm making up words.)
the road feels so long, it seems like we'll never get there. it's going to take forever to become a doctor. will i ever get there at all? it's absolutely crazy to think about.
here we are on day 3. day THREE of medical school. yes, we've only had three days of class, and it feels like we've been here forever. and people are already freaking out! i'm already doubting my ability to do this! i already feel like i'm behind!
now tell me. how is it possible to be behind when you've only been in school for three days?!
see, that's what i'm sayin'. :)
***
so yes, i'm basically in a constant state of fear and anxiety. i'm much more tired than usual and i tend to get grumpy by late afternoon. i have this persistent headache and slight fever. i pretty much think about med school all day, all the damn time.
but. there is a 'but.'
when people get into this frenzied state of making sure they've bought every book we could possibly refer to, and looking through practice exams the first week of class, and rapid-firing this laundry list of things we're supposed to know but haven't actually learned yet -- instead of just studying the frickin' material already -- i mean, come on.
that sort of thing seriously bothers me, and it just makes me feel worse, like i'm not "doing enough." and that's a pretty crappy feeling when your whole life has become contained in these few little bubbles of medical school, your classmates, and your house. when your only 'after-school' activity is even more school.
i felt so bombarded by hyperanxiety from, yes, my new friends at med school, whom i really like, but couldn't really handle tonight. it makes me not want to study with other people, even though i know that i'll need to, for several reasons: to rally concepts back and forth, to explain to each other, to make sure we didn't miss anything.
but man did it stress me out tonight.
i came home and all i wanted was a hug. i just wanted physical contact and comfort. hence the sitting around, curling up in fetal position, and when mom rubbed my arms, asking her to "keep doing that because it feels nice, and i feel miserable."
***
yet i have to say, classes themselves today weren't all that horrible. the stress came with studying tonight and preparing for tomorrow. but class today was different... because instead of anatomy in the afternoon, we had PCM: patient-centered medicine. essentially, our "doctoring" course.
now, this is an interesting course, because it is the one thing we have in these first two years, known as the "pre-clinical" years, that is actually clinical. it's the course that's intended to nurture in us the elements of compassion, empathy, respect, and truly caring for our patients. basically, the elements that push us beyond only having the scientific knowledge, and into the knowledge of our profession as an art of humanity.
without this aspect of our education, we'd basically be in grad school for human biology.
but with this, we learn to be practitioners with the capacity for emotional connection.
i rather like it, as it's sort of the reason i went into medicine in the first place.
that, and there isn't as much required studying. ;)
today we saw our first "standardized patient": an actor who is trained to play the role of a real patient. we actually had to interview her, in groups, to take a very rudimentary patient history and to try to pinpoint the source of her primary complaint.
dude, it was hard. that lady was a tough cookie! she volunteered no extra information - we had to pry it out of her, while being kind, open, confident, reassuring, and (sort of?) knowledgeable. i mean, shit, we know nothing yet. we're first-years on our third day! so it was pretty funny. :) but sharlene & i did well with the "general questioning" - i was actually able to get valuable info from the patient and trace her headaches back to (of all things) domestic abuse at home. (this is all a fabricated patient story, of course.)
***
i suppose you don't realize how much there is to think about until you're actually in that situation. it was such a cool experience, though! it felt so real, finally... much more real than cutting into the cadaver.
now that i think about it - is that strange? am i supposed to feel like i'm "really" in med school when i start dissecting? i don't know, guys - interviewing that standardized patient felt much more doctor-like. it was a true challenge, you know? i couldn't just take a scalpel to her, start cutting and digging, then finally fall upon what i was looking for and go, "oh! there it is! yup, exactly where i thought that nerve would be."
i had to ask questions. i had to convey my concern. i had to react appropriately. that is to say - i had to actually think AND feel at the same time... i had to act as a fellow human being. it was exploratory in an entirely different way.
and i can't say for sure, but i think it was right up my alley. because it jives with the way i am.
which is why i'm studying medicine in the first place: this is me, this is where i fit, and this is how i can help.
thank God for that.
to my livejournal readers: thank you all, so very much, for your kind and thoughtful comments on my post yesterday. you have no idea how much that means to me. honestly. these aren't just words. they are a deep and resonating reassurance that i desperately need these days.
i need to know that people believe in me. i need to know that i can do this. i need to know that it'll get better, and that i'll actually enjoy it sometimes, and that it'll be ok. and that it'll be worth it in the end.
i appreciate all of your encouragement and your very, very flattering words to me.
because this whole thing, the entire experience, can be so disheartening.
i mean, imagine it this way.
i was at school today from around 10 to 5 - went to a family friend's birthday party - studied on my own for an hour - then had a study group from 8 to 10:30. doesn't sound too long, does it? yet it seriously wipes you out.
man, i've never felt so much exhaustion in my life... well, maybe when i had mono. (you guys remember that? spring of 2005. what a shitty time that illness was, haha.) my whole body is aching. i've been tired the entire day! it just never stops.
i came home and, half-serious, half-laughing, complained to my mother that i "don't want to go to school tomorrow." she hugged me and we laughed. i ended up curled up on the floor, groaning "why? why am i doing this? dad, seriously. is medicine worth it?" and i'm laughing, but i'm also serious.
***
i have all these crazy thoughts... there's a constant undercurrent of both depression and overwhelmingness. (jesus, is that even a noun? great, now i'm making up words.)
the road feels so long, it seems like we'll never get there. it's going to take forever to become a doctor. will i ever get there at all? it's absolutely crazy to think about.
here we are on day 3. day THREE of medical school. yes, we've only had three days of class, and it feels like we've been here forever. and people are already freaking out! i'm already doubting my ability to do this! i already feel like i'm behind!
now tell me. how is it possible to be behind when you've only been in school for three days?!
see, that's what i'm sayin'. :)
***
so yes, i'm basically in a constant state of fear and anxiety. i'm much more tired than usual and i tend to get grumpy by late afternoon. i have this persistent headache and slight fever. i pretty much think about med school all day, all the damn time.
but. there is a 'but.'
when people get into this frenzied state of making sure they've bought every book we could possibly refer to, and looking through practice exams the first week of class, and rapid-firing this laundry list of things we're supposed to know but haven't actually learned yet -- instead of just studying the frickin' material already -- i mean, come on.
that sort of thing seriously bothers me, and it just makes me feel worse, like i'm not "doing enough." and that's a pretty crappy feeling when your whole life has become contained in these few little bubbles of medical school, your classmates, and your house. when your only 'after-school' activity is even more school.
i felt so bombarded by hyperanxiety from, yes, my new friends at med school, whom i really like, but couldn't really handle tonight. it makes me not want to study with other people, even though i know that i'll need to, for several reasons: to rally concepts back and forth, to explain to each other, to make sure we didn't miss anything.
but man did it stress me out tonight.
i came home and all i wanted was a hug. i just wanted physical contact and comfort. hence the sitting around, curling up in fetal position, and when mom rubbed my arms, asking her to "keep doing that because it feels nice, and i feel miserable."
***
yet i have to say, classes themselves today weren't all that horrible. the stress came with studying tonight and preparing for tomorrow. but class today was different... because instead of anatomy in the afternoon, we had PCM: patient-centered medicine. essentially, our "doctoring" course.
now, this is an interesting course, because it is the one thing we have in these first two years, known as the "pre-clinical" years, that is actually clinical. it's the course that's intended to nurture in us the elements of compassion, empathy, respect, and truly caring for our patients. basically, the elements that push us beyond only having the scientific knowledge, and into the knowledge of our profession as an art of humanity.
without this aspect of our education, we'd basically be in grad school for human biology.
but with this, we learn to be practitioners with the capacity for emotional connection.
i rather like it, as it's sort of the reason i went into medicine in the first place.
that, and there isn't as much required studying. ;)
today we saw our first "standardized patient": an actor who is trained to play the role of a real patient. we actually had to interview her, in groups, to take a very rudimentary patient history and to try to pinpoint the source of her primary complaint.
dude, it was hard. that lady was a tough cookie! she volunteered no extra information - we had to pry it out of her, while being kind, open, confident, reassuring, and (sort of?) knowledgeable. i mean, shit, we know nothing yet. we're first-years on our third day! so it was pretty funny. :) but sharlene & i did well with the "general questioning" - i was actually able to get valuable info from the patient and trace her headaches back to (of all things) domestic abuse at home. (this is all a fabricated patient story, of course.)
***
i suppose you don't realize how much there is to think about until you're actually in that situation. it was such a cool experience, though! it felt so real, finally... much more real than cutting into the cadaver.
now that i think about it - is that strange? am i supposed to feel like i'm "really" in med school when i start dissecting? i don't know, guys - interviewing that standardized patient felt much more doctor-like. it was a true challenge, you know? i couldn't just take a scalpel to her, start cutting and digging, then finally fall upon what i was looking for and go, "oh! there it is! yup, exactly where i thought that nerve would be."
i had to ask questions. i had to convey my concern. i had to react appropriately. that is to say - i had to actually think AND feel at the same time... i had to act as a fellow human being. it was exploratory in an entirely different way.
and i can't say for sure, but i think it was right up my alley. because it jives with the way i am.
which is why i'm studying medicine in the first place: this is me, this is where i fit, and this is how i can help.
thank God for that.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
reassurance.
i had a really rough evening. i haven't studied at all - just sat around a lot, after writing, and eventually cried my heart out. this is really hard right now. but it'll get better. people who love me have said so. i believe them.
thank God for andrew, who comforts me as much as i need, and always listens so well. thank God for my dad, who shares his experiences with me and reassures me that i can do this - that God means for me to gain this knowledge - and that it will help me save lives in the future.
i can do this. i can.
thank God for andrew, who comforts me as much as i need, and always listens so well. thank God for my dad, who shares his experiences with me and reassures me that i can do this - that God means for me to gain this knowledge - and that it will help me save lives in the future.
i can do this. i can.
day 2.
i'm home, finally. today was really damn long.
i'm exhausted. my lower back is aching. my fingers smell like latex, formaldehyde, and... something else unique to anatomy lab.
i feel disheartened, disturbed, slightly disgusted...
and i feel miserable. i can't even smile. there's just nothing.. happy, right now.
it was a really, really, really long day.
we started with a cognitive skills seminar - something about studying effectively and managing your time, etc. we got some useful advice, to be sure, about previewing for lectures, organizing study notes, blah de blah. but it felt like so much to be doing. where am i supposed to get that time, and especially, that much energy?!
i mean, here i am, i just got home around 6:15. today's pretty typical - actually, we were out of anatomy lab kind of early, so i imagine i'll be there later some days. and by the time you shower (because i'll bet it only gets more disgusting from here) and eat dinner and just relax your head - well, there's the early evening, gone.
if i studied from now - say 7pm - until 1am, and don't take a single break, that's six hours of studying. if i go straight through. and this material is such a bitch, i know it's going to take me hours upon hours of going through it.
anyway. besides that. we had "only" one biochem lecture today, and jesus, dr. stock made it a hefty one. we spent half an hour on one frickin' overhead, going over every damn property of proteins there's ever been. i started out thinking that maybe i could keep up today, but by the end i was so completely overwhelmed. finally she gave us a sample exam question - i just stared at it and thought, there is no way i could even start to tackle that.
that's a bad sign, i do think.
at lunch i had a nice meal, packed by mom.. i think she & i are both really enjoying this whole "back to elementary school" feel of med school, hah. it's so funny - we all go to the same classes in the morning, eat lunch at the same time, go to same classes in the afternoon, and we're in one building the whole day. yeah, a little weird. but the lunch part is a plus about living at home.
ok, so then, anatomy lecture, of course.
we continue with nervous system structure - this time, getting down to the nitty-gritty of the peripheral nervous sytem: motor & sensory, somatic vs. autonomic, and within autonomic, sympathetic & parasympathetic.
right. here is where most of you go, wtf did she just say? was that english? yes, actually. and that's just the simple stuff - i didn't even use those words in an actual sentence!
don't get me wrong, i was doing ok initially - took some decent notes, followed prof. mulheron's diagrams & schematics - i was thinking, yeah, there's a lot, but i can handle it; i'll just study my ass off.
but by the end -- notice a trend here? -- the vocabulary and the concepts and the intricacy had just built up to such a point that... when he finally asked us a question that sounded like, where does the preganglionic sympathetic motor neuron reach the white matter ramus, except for the fact that it made no sense whatsoever... the four of us: myself, jenny, caroline, and sharlene, just looked at each other and laughed. we couldn't even stop laughing. we were like, did he use actual words?! it was absurd. the whole situation was absurd.
and that's only hitting 2pm.
we had another lecture after that, on radiology, until 3:15 or so. i couldn't even take notes at first - caroline described it best when she said, i feel like i just had the shit kicked out of me. literally. the neuroanatomy stuff just hit us so hard that it took this huge effort to come back for part two and actually pay attention. in the midst of that, achy and yawning, i couldn't imagine how i'd have any energy left to go to anatomy lab and start dissecting!
so, 3:30pm. we're decked out in our assorted colors of scrubs - mostly light blue and teal green, with a scattering of red, peach, purple, even black (the guys think they're so hot in black scrubs). we're all wearing old shoes, old ratty lab coats, and i've got two layers of gloves on. seriously, dudes, i am taking no chances with getting anything on my hands, getting my gloves sliced through by a stray scalpel, or having my fingers go numb because of the preservatives in the cadaver.
we went in, and today was completely different. today they basically said, ok, get started. i looked at robert, glanced quickly at our notes from last night, scanned the rest of my group to see their reactions, and we did it. we unwrapped our cadaver from its plastic wrap and damp terrycloth towels. and there was our guy.
[if you feel uneasy about this, please don't read on. but i do want to share my experiences here.]
the only dead people i have ever seen were at open-casket funerals.
this was nothing like that. this was unlike anything i've ever seen in my life.
he was clearly an older gentleman -- and we guessed "gentleman" because of the male pattern baldness -- but his body was in good shape. i was very thankful to him for that.
but i didn't even have a chance to say hello, to introduce myself, to peer around to his face and catch a glimpse of this man who had given his body to us so that we could learn, to train, to become really great doctors.
because the dissection began then. almost immediately, it was like we weren't dealing with a human body - our talk consisted of "the external occipital" this, "the inferior angle" that. and i started to cut.
between the four of us, we made pretty good progress. i was rather pleased that i was able to make strong, smooth cuts, and remove the skin cleanly and without tearing. robert was proud of me and the other girl in our group, sirisha, for not being faint and for working so well at it. i'll admit, we were rather proud of ourselves.
it was a completely strange experience.
because i was ok with the scalpel - i really was. i was also ok with the forceps, ok with the hematome, ok with the scissors.
but when people started digging: actually sliding their fingers under muscles & tissues, pulling upwards and tugging and shoving, that's when i sort of lost my cool.
at the time, i was cutting at some superficial tissue, clearing the trapezius muscle, examining its attachments. then i straightened up and took a step back. i thought about it, what we were doing. i took a deep breath. i smelled the horrible smells all over again. and i just could not do it anymore.
i stepped out of the room, into the next room, a non-dissection lab. i walked around a bit, breathed slowly, tried to relax myself. but even when i came back, that was it. i was 'done.' i couldn't cut, i couldn't even get too close.
i felt disgusted, both physically with the sheer nauseating nature of it all, and much more so, mentally, with what we were doing at that moment.. essentially ripping a human body apart. it just felt so wrong, and the magnitude of that wrongness hit me all at once.
it wasn't what i expected. i had expected that i would feel uneasy initially - you know, that first rush of anxiety and shock - and that i would gradually get used to it. but i had entirely the opposite reaction: i was "fine" until i started to think "too much."
i say "too much" in quotes because i don't believe i was thinking too much. but i know that's what it's considered in this sort of work. you're supposed to "separate yourself" - you're supposed to remember why you're doing it and concentrate on learning.
they reassure you, the professors do, before lab begins, that it's normal to feel uneasy, that as people with compassion and respect for human life, we should feel uneasy, and that we should remember to be thankful to these people who so generously donate their bodies to the anatomical association, for use in our first-year course.
but once you're in the lab it's like everything has shifted. these same professors come over to help you and demonstrate how to find a certain muscle, and it feels like they're just attacking the entire cadaver with their hands. and when you feel uncomfortable you get responses like "it'll get easier" -- like cutting open a human body is supposed to ever be easy -- or, even worse, you get those head-tilted, sympathetic looks from the guys in the class. again, as if the women are supposed to be the only "sentimental" ones.
don't get me wrong - some of my classmates & friends were really understanding... especially those who were going through the same thing. caroline, for example, wasn't able to cut at all for the majority of lab, just stood and watched, but she finally felt ok doing it by the end. and even many who wouldn't really admit to their unease, you could tell, were feeling it, too.
i don't know what to compare this to, so i won't try anymore. i have just never felt so uncomfortable about something that i was personally doing.
i was in a really strange mood for the last half hour of lab; i drifted around, unable to get enthusiastic about anything, much less, about a successful part of the dissection or whatever. i didn't want to look at any of the study materials - i just didn't care anymore. it'd been way too long a day, i couldn't stand up anymore, i just wanted to finish up and go home.
but even wrapping up our guy, apparently, wasn't supposed to be a halfway dignified process. i tugged the towels around his arms, tucked them in under his body, and covered his head gently, before putting the plastic wrap back on. and i thought that was fine.
then a group member commented that we "didn't really need to be so delicate" about handling the cadaver. i just looked at him, at first. but i'm not one to hold my tongue. i responded that we didn't need to be so rough when dissecting, either.
one of the other guys had already (accidentally?) sliced through muscles we weren't supposed to, probably because he was trying to work "efficiently," i.e. way too fast. and we'd let it slide - we'd reassured him, it happens. and now you, mr. no emotion, have the nerve to tell me we're being too damn "delicate"?
i was so done by that point.
i got out of the lab, peeled off two layers of gloves, washed my hands about five times, went to my locker, stripped off my scrubs in the hallway because it's day 2 and already i have no shame anymore, got into my clean clothes and didn't talk to anyone until i was leaving.
drove home, picked up groceries, talked to the family for two seconds, but couldn't actually say anything. i felt frozen. it was like - i wanted to talk, but i didn't want to open my mouth to speak.
still, now, i feel so physically drained of everything but this lingering sort of quiet sadness.
i'm sitting here staring at my screen, not knowing what to do next. i feel so depressed about this whole thing.
the thought of going in to class again tomorrow, sitting there for two hours as i get pounded with even more biochemistry that i just do not understand, struggling through the entire day...
the thought of diving into anatomy material that is going to take me hours and hours to get through, and that just being review of today's lectures, much less preparing for thursday's dissection...
the thought that my whole week will look like this, and i'll spend the weekend trying desperately to catch up and absorb everything, only to add on more material on monday...
it's pretty damn painful.
i can't believe i've been writing for an hour.
i guess i really needed to today.
pray for me, if you could.
i'm exhausted. my lower back is aching. my fingers smell like latex, formaldehyde, and... something else unique to anatomy lab.
i feel disheartened, disturbed, slightly disgusted...
and i feel miserable. i can't even smile. there's just nothing.. happy, right now.
it was a really, really, really long day.
we started with a cognitive skills seminar - something about studying effectively and managing your time, etc. we got some useful advice, to be sure, about previewing for lectures, organizing study notes, blah de blah. but it felt like so much to be doing. where am i supposed to get that time, and especially, that much energy?!
i mean, here i am, i just got home around 6:15. today's pretty typical - actually, we were out of anatomy lab kind of early, so i imagine i'll be there later some days. and by the time you shower (because i'll bet it only gets more disgusting from here) and eat dinner and just relax your head - well, there's the early evening, gone.
if i studied from now - say 7pm - until 1am, and don't take a single break, that's six hours of studying. if i go straight through. and this material is such a bitch, i know it's going to take me hours upon hours of going through it.
anyway. besides that. we had "only" one biochem lecture today, and jesus, dr. stock made it a hefty one. we spent half an hour on one frickin' overhead, going over every damn property of proteins there's ever been. i started out thinking that maybe i could keep up today, but by the end i was so completely overwhelmed. finally she gave us a sample exam question - i just stared at it and thought, there is no way i could even start to tackle that.
that's a bad sign, i do think.
at lunch i had a nice meal, packed by mom.. i think she & i are both really enjoying this whole "back to elementary school" feel of med school, hah. it's so funny - we all go to the same classes in the morning, eat lunch at the same time, go to same classes in the afternoon, and we're in one building the whole day. yeah, a little weird. but the lunch part is a plus about living at home.
ok, so then, anatomy lecture, of course.
we continue with nervous system structure - this time, getting down to the nitty-gritty of the peripheral nervous sytem: motor & sensory, somatic vs. autonomic, and within autonomic, sympathetic & parasympathetic.
right. here is where most of you go, wtf did she just say? was that english? yes, actually. and that's just the simple stuff - i didn't even use those words in an actual sentence!
don't get me wrong, i was doing ok initially - took some decent notes, followed prof. mulheron's diagrams & schematics - i was thinking, yeah, there's a lot, but i can handle it; i'll just study my ass off.
but by the end -- notice a trend here? -- the vocabulary and the concepts and the intricacy had just built up to such a point that... when he finally asked us a question that sounded like, where does the preganglionic sympathetic motor neuron reach the white matter ramus, except for the fact that it made no sense whatsoever... the four of us: myself, jenny, caroline, and sharlene, just looked at each other and laughed. we couldn't even stop laughing. we were like, did he use actual words?! it was absurd. the whole situation was absurd.
and that's only hitting 2pm.
we had another lecture after that, on radiology, until 3:15 or so. i couldn't even take notes at first - caroline described it best when she said, i feel like i just had the shit kicked out of me. literally. the neuroanatomy stuff just hit us so hard that it took this huge effort to come back for part two and actually pay attention. in the midst of that, achy and yawning, i couldn't imagine how i'd have any energy left to go to anatomy lab and start dissecting!
so, 3:30pm. we're decked out in our assorted colors of scrubs - mostly light blue and teal green, with a scattering of red, peach, purple, even black (the guys think they're so hot in black scrubs). we're all wearing old shoes, old ratty lab coats, and i've got two layers of gloves on. seriously, dudes, i am taking no chances with getting anything on my hands, getting my gloves sliced through by a stray scalpel, or having my fingers go numb because of the preservatives in the cadaver.
we went in, and today was completely different. today they basically said, ok, get started. i looked at robert, glanced quickly at our notes from last night, scanned the rest of my group to see their reactions, and we did it. we unwrapped our cadaver from its plastic wrap and damp terrycloth towels. and there was our guy.
[if you feel uneasy about this, please don't read on. but i do want to share my experiences here.]
the only dead people i have ever seen were at open-casket funerals.
this was nothing like that. this was unlike anything i've ever seen in my life.
he was clearly an older gentleman -- and we guessed "gentleman" because of the male pattern baldness -- but his body was in good shape. i was very thankful to him for that.
but i didn't even have a chance to say hello, to introduce myself, to peer around to his face and catch a glimpse of this man who had given his body to us so that we could learn, to train, to become really great doctors.
because the dissection began then. almost immediately, it was like we weren't dealing with a human body - our talk consisted of "the external occipital" this, "the inferior angle" that. and i started to cut.
between the four of us, we made pretty good progress. i was rather pleased that i was able to make strong, smooth cuts, and remove the skin cleanly and without tearing. robert was proud of me and the other girl in our group, sirisha, for not being faint and for working so well at it. i'll admit, we were rather proud of ourselves.
it was a completely strange experience.
because i was ok with the scalpel - i really was. i was also ok with the forceps, ok with the hematome, ok with the scissors.
but when people started digging: actually sliding their fingers under muscles & tissues, pulling upwards and tugging and shoving, that's when i sort of lost my cool.
at the time, i was cutting at some superficial tissue, clearing the trapezius muscle, examining its attachments. then i straightened up and took a step back. i thought about it, what we were doing. i took a deep breath. i smelled the horrible smells all over again. and i just could not do it anymore.
i stepped out of the room, into the next room, a non-dissection lab. i walked around a bit, breathed slowly, tried to relax myself. but even when i came back, that was it. i was 'done.' i couldn't cut, i couldn't even get too close.
i felt disgusted, both physically with the sheer nauseating nature of it all, and much more so, mentally, with what we were doing at that moment.. essentially ripping a human body apart. it just felt so wrong, and the magnitude of that wrongness hit me all at once.
it wasn't what i expected. i had expected that i would feel uneasy initially - you know, that first rush of anxiety and shock - and that i would gradually get used to it. but i had entirely the opposite reaction: i was "fine" until i started to think "too much."
i say "too much" in quotes because i don't believe i was thinking too much. but i know that's what it's considered in this sort of work. you're supposed to "separate yourself" - you're supposed to remember why you're doing it and concentrate on learning.
they reassure you, the professors do, before lab begins, that it's normal to feel uneasy, that as people with compassion and respect for human life, we should feel uneasy, and that we should remember to be thankful to these people who so generously donate their bodies to the anatomical association, for use in our first-year course.
but once you're in the lab it's like everything has shifted. these same professors come over to help you and demonstrate how to find a certain muscle, and it feels like they're just attacking the entire cadaver with their hands. and when you feel uncomfortable you get responses like "it'll get easier" -- like cutting open a human body is supposed to ever be easy -- or, even worse, you get those head-tilted, sympathetic looks from the guys in the class. again, as if the women are supposed to be the only "sentimental" ones.
don't get me wrong - some of my classmates & friends were really understanding... especially those who were going through the same thing. caroline, for example, wasn't able to cut at all for the majority of lab, just stood and watched, but she finally felt ok doing it by the end. and even many who wouldn't really admit to their unease, you could tell, were feeling it, too.
i don't know what to compare this to, so i won't try anymore. i have just never felt so uncomfortable about something that i was personally doing.
i was in a really strange mood for the last half hour of lab; i drifted around, unable to get enthusiastic about anything, much less, about a successful part of the dissection or whatever. i didn't want to look at any of the study materials - i just didn't care anymore. it'd been way too long a day, i couldn't stand up anymore, i just wanted to finish up and go home.
but even wrapping up our guy, apparently, wasn't supposed to be a halfway dignified process. i tugged the towels around his arms, tucked them in under his body, and covered his head gently, before putting the plastic wrap back on. and i thought that was fine.
then a group member commented that we "didn't really need to be so delicate" about handling the cadaver. i just looked at him, at first. but i'm not one to hold my tongue. i responded that we didn't need to be so rough when dissecting, either.
one of the other guys had already (accidentally?) sliced through muscles we weren't supposed to, probably because he was trying to work "efficiently," i.e. way too fast. and we'd let it slide - we'd reassured him, it happens. and now you, mr. no emotion, have the nerve to tell me we're being too damn "delicate"?
i was so done by that point.
i got out of the lab, peeled off two layers of gloves, washed my hands about five times, went to my locker, stripped off my scrubs in the hallway because it's day 2 and already i have no shame anymore, got into my clean clothes and didn't talk to anyone until i was leaving.
drove home, picked up groceries, talked to the family for two seconds, but couldn't actually say anything. i felt frozen. it was like - i wanted to talk, but i didn't want to open my mouth to speak.
still, now, i feel so physically drained of everything but this lingering sort of quiet sadness.
i'm sitting here staring at my screen, not knowing what to do next. i feel so depressed about this whole thing.
the thought of going in to class again tomorrow, sitting there for two hours as i get pounded with even more biochemistry that i just do not understand, struggling through the entire day...
the thought of diving into anatomy material that is going to take me hours and hours to get through, and that just being review of today's lectures, much less preparing for thursday's dissection...
the thought that my whole week will look like this, and i'll spend the weekend trying desperately to catch up and absorb everything, only to add on more material on monday...
it's pretty damn painful.
i can't believe i've been writing for an hour.
i guess i really needed to today.
pray for me, if you could.
Monday, August 13, 2007
so this was *actually* my first day.
first response: oh dear lord.
after an exhausting, stimulating, interesting, and really frickin' fun week of orientation, i've finally started classes in medical school.
for real, now.
today was two hours of biochemistry lecture, an hour of lunch / freaking out / changing into scrubs in the hallway, two hours of anatomy lecture, half an hour of awkwardly standing around the lab next to our (still wrapped) cadavers, and an hour of talking to second-years who simultaneously reassured me that i "could do it" while also scaring the shit out of me.
apparently i look hot in scrubs. apparently, also, i should pack a less messy lunch.
i don't even know where to start.
well, that's not quite true. i know i should begin by just "keeping up": going over the material we were lectured on today, making sure i understand everything.
biochem is really scary to me, i'm not sure why... i did fine in organic chemistry (at least, during the semester i didn't have mono) because i worked my ass off. and i know i can do the same now. but the terminology, the figures, the logic of it - i feel so far removed from that. these molecules don't mean anything to me. i took the MCAT and then forgot they ever existed. and now i don't even want to open my notes because i know that waiting for me will be the amino acids and protein structures of this morning...
as for gross anatomy. later i'm meeting up with robert (lab partner) to prep for tomorrow's dissection. yes, we actually start cutting tomorrow. the plastic wrap comes off, as do the wet terrycloth towels, and we meet our guy. or our woman.
i have lots of mixed feelings about this... maybe not quite mixed, as they're mostly negative, but yeah. mixed feelings. i was so nervous today - so uneasy - anxious about what we'd be starting. even now, that anxiety has not at all been relieved, because we didn't see the cadaver at all. i don't even know how comfortable i am with it. one step at a time, as my friends keep saying. but it's scary. i'm going to actually be cutting into a dead person's body... not only that, but peeling their skin away. cutting through their muscles. examining their organs. pointing out various structures and vessels and - oh lord.
how am i supposed to do this?
and how am i supposed to survive this semester... i feel like there's so much already. i mean, i'm talking to these second-years, and it seems like there's barely time to do anything. and then i talk to others and it seems i can still have a normal life. i don't know what's the case for me - i have to find out for myself.
i just feel.. overwhelmed. i feel like i need to keep taking these deep breaths - deep sighs, more like it - just to relax myself, but it's not working.
i. am. scared. at least, i say i'm scared. but it's not fear so much as dread...
fear, i think, for me, is more the feeling when i have when i don't know what to expect. dread, on the other hand - that's that sense of impending.. i don't know.. doom? hah. that sounds morbid.
but i feel dread when i know, at least a little, what to expect, and i can tell it's not gonna be pretty. or easy. or full of happy bunnies and flowers and lots of sleep.
i can see how fear might be a worse thing to have - that great big unknown before you - but in this case, when the reality IS just as scary as you thought it might be, dread is definitely the kicker.
i need to focus, and pace myself. i can already see how i could get really stressed out with all of this. i mean, it's 6:30. i'm getting nervous just thinking about how on earth i'll ever understand all of this material by tonight.
time to start, i guess.
i'm glad andrew encouraged me to write my thoughts down... to reflect on the day's challenges, my feelings, my goals. hah, goals. after today, i stopped thinking about anything lofty. my goal right now is to survive. to pass. to come out of this stronger. nah, that's too much for now. we'll say, to survive. :)
after an exhausting, stimulating, interesting, and really frickin' fun week of orientation, i've finally started classes in medical school.
for real, now.
today was two hours of biochemistry lecture, an hour of lunch / freaking out / changing into scrubs in the hallway, two hours of anatomy lecture, half an hour of awkwardly standing around the lab next to our (still wrapped) cadavers, and an hour of talking to second-years who simultaneously reassured me that i "could do it" while also scaring the shit out of me.
apparently i look hot in scrubs. apparently, also, i should pack a less messy lunch.
i don't even know where to start.
well, that's not quite true. i know i should begin by just "keeping up": going over the material we were lectured on today, making sure i understand everything.
biochem is really scary to me, i'm not sure why... i did fine in organic chemistry (at least, during the semester i didn't have mono) because i worked my ass off. and i know i can do the same now. but the terminology, the figures, the logic of it - i feel so far removed from that. these molecules don't mean anything to me. i took the MCAT and then forgot they ever existed. and now i don't even want to open my notes because i know that waiting for me will be the amino acids and protein structures of this morning...
as for gross anatomy. later i'm meeting up with robert (lab partner) to prep for tomorrow's dissection. yes, we actually start cutting tomorrow. the plastic wrap comes off, as do the wet terrycloth towels, and we meet our guy. or our woman.
i have lots of mixed feelings about this... maybe not quite mixed, as they're mostly negative, but yeah. mixed feelings. i was so nervous today - so uneasy - anxious about what we'd be starting. even now, that anxiety has not at all been relieved, because we didn't see the cadaver at all. i don't even know how comfortable i am with it. one step at a time, as my friends keep saying. but it's scary. i'm going to actually be cutting into a dead person's body... not only that, but peeling their skin away. cutting through their muscles. examining their organs. pointing out various structures and vessels and - oh lord.
how am i supposed to do this?
and how am i supposed to survive this semester... i feel like there's so much already. i mean, i'm talking to these second-years, and it seems like there's barely time to do anything. and then i talk to others and it seems i can still have a normal life. i don't know what's the case for me - i have to find out for myself.
i just feel.. overwhelmed. i feel like i need to keep taking these deep breaths - deep sighs, more like it - just to relax myself, but it's not working.
i. am. scared. at least, i say i'm scared. but it's not fear so much as dread...
fear, i think, for me, is more the feeling when i have when i don't know what to expect. dread, on the other hand - that's that sense of impending.. i don't know.. doom? hah. that sounds morbid.
but i feel dread when i know, at least a little, what to expect, and i can tell it's not gonna be pretty. or easy. or full of happy bunnies and flowers and lots of sleep.
i can see how fear might be a worse thing to have - that great big unknown before you - but in this case, when the reality IS just as scary as you thought it might be, dread is definitely the kicker.
i need to focus, and pace myself. i can already see how i could get really stressed out with all of this. i mean, it's 6:30. i'm getting nervous just thinking about how on earth i'll ever understand all of this material by tonight.
time to start, i guess.
i'm glad andrew encouraged me to write my thoughts down... to reflect on the day's challenges, my feelings, my goals. hah, goals. after today, i stopped thinking about anything lofty. my goal right now is to survive. to pass. to come out of this stronger. nah, that's too much for now. we'll say, to survive. :)
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