every day feels like a thousand days.

first things first.

to my livejournal readers: thank you all, so very much, for your kind and thoughtful comments on my post yesterday. you have no idea how much that means to me. honestly. these aren't just words. they are a deep and resonating reassurance that i desperately need these days.

i need to know that people believe in me. i need to know that i can do this. i need to know that it'll get better, and that i'll actually enjoy it sometimes, and that it'll be ok. and that it'll be worth it in the end.

i appreciate all of your encouragement and your very, very flattering words to me.

because this whole thing, the entire experience, can be so disheartening.

i mean, imagine it this way.

i was at school today from around 10 to 5 - went to a family friend's birthday party - studied on my own for an hour - then had a study group from 8 to 10:30. doesn't sound too long, does it? yet it seriously wipes you out.

man, i've never felt so much exhaustion in my life... well, maybe when i had mono. (you guys remember that? spring of 2005. what a shitty time that illness was, haha.) my whole body is aching. i've been tired the entire day! it just never stops.

i came home and, half-serious, half-laughing, complained to my mother that i "don't want to go to school tomorrow." she hugged me and we laughed. i ended up curled up on the floor, groaning "why? why am i doing this? dad, seriously. is medicine worth it?" and i'm laughing, but i'm also serious.

***

i have all these crazy thoughts... there's a constant undercurrent of both depression and overwhelmingness. (jesus, is that even a noun? great, now i'm making up words.)

the road feels so long, it seems like we'll never get there. it's going to take forever to become a doctor. will i ever get there at all? it's absolutely crazy to think about.

here we are on day 3. day THREE of medical school. yes, we've only had three days of class, and it feels like we've been here forever. and people are already freaking out! i'm already doubting my ability to do this! i already feel like i'm behind!

now tell me. how is it possible to be behind when you've only been in school for three days?!

see, that's what i'm sayin'. :)

***

so yes, i'm basically in a constant state of fear and anxiety. i'm much more tired than usual and i tend to get grumpy by late afternoon. i have this persistent headache and slight fever. i pretty much think about med school all day, all the damn time.

but. there is a 'but.'

when people get into this frenzied state of making sure they've bought every book we could possibly refer to, and looking through practice exams the first week of class, and rapid-firing this laundry list of things we're supposed to know but haven't actually learned yet -- instead of just studying the frickin' material already -- i mean, come on.

that sort of thing seriously bothers me, and it just makes me feel worse, like i'm not "doing enough." and that's a pretty crappy feeling when your whole life has become contained in these few little bubbles of medical school, your classmates, and your house. when your only 'after-school' activity is even more school.

i felt so bombarded by hyperanxiety from, yes, my new friends at med school, whom i really like, but couldn't really handle tonight. it makes me not want to study with other people, even though i know that i'll need to, for several reasons: to rally concepts back and forth, to explain to each other, to make sure we didn't miss anything.

but man did it stress me out tonight.

i came home and all i wanted was a hug. i just wanted physical contact and comfort. hence the sitting around, curling up in fetal position, and when mom rubbed my arms, asking her to "keep doing that because it feels nice, and i feel miserable."

***

yet i have to say, classes themselves today weren't all that horrible. the stress came with studying tonight and preparing for tomorrow. but class today was different... because instead of anatomy in the afternoon, we had PCM: patient-centered medicine. essentially, our "doctoring" course.

now, this is an interesting course, because it is the one thing we have in these first two years, known as the "pre-clinical" years, that is actually clinical. it's the course that's intended to nurture in us the elements of compassion, empathy, respect, and truly caring for our patients. basically, the elements that push us beyond only having the scientific knowledge, and into the knowledge of our profession as an art of humanity.

without this aspect of our education, we'd basically be in grad school for human biology.
but with this, we learn to be practitioners with the capacity for emotional connection.

i rather like it, as it's sort of the reason i went into medicine in the first place.

that, and there isn't as much required studying. ;)

today we saw our first "standardized patient": an actor who is trained to play the role of a real patient. we actually had to interview her, in groups, to take a very rudimentary patient history and to try to pinpoint the source of her primary complaint.

dude, it was hard. that lady was a tough cookie! she volunteered no extra information - we had to pry it out of her, while being kind, open, confident, reassuring, and (sort of?) knowledgeable. i mean, shit, we know nothing yet. we're first-years on our third day! so it was pretty funny. :) but sharlene & i did well with the "general questioning" - i was actually able to get valuable info from the patient and trace her headaches back to (of all things) domestic abuse at home. (this is all a fabricated patient story, of course.)

***

i suppose you don't realize how much there is to think about until you're actually in that situation. it was such a cool experience, though! it felt so real, finally... much more real than cutting into the cadaver.

now that i think about it - is that strange? am i supposed to feel like i'm "really" in med school when i start dissecting? i don't know, guys - interviewing that standardized patient felt much more doctor-like. it was a true challenge, you know? i couldn't just take a scalpel to her, start cutting and digging, then finally fall upon what i was looking for and go, "oh! there it is! yup, exactly where i thought that nerve would be."

i had to ask questions. i had to convey my concern. i had to react appropriately. that is to say - i had to actually think AND feel at the same time... i had to act as a fellow human being. it was exploratory in an entirely different way.

and i can't say for sure, but i think it was right up my alley. because it jives with the way i am.

which is why i'm studying medicine in the first place: this is me, this is where i fit, and this is how i can help.

thank God for that.