first anatomy exam.

that was an absolutely horrible exam.

we came out of it going, what the fuck?

and it's just frustrating, because i've been busting my ass for the past several weeks, studying, stressing, losing sleep... and for what? so that i can come off the test feeling like shit and not knowing whether i passed?

i can't believe they did that to us. they'd told us the exam wasn't going to be as hard as last year's, because this year the passing grade is higher (70% instead of 65). not that i studied any less, but still.. you expect the exam to be a little more 'fair.'
instead, they threw all this random unexpected stuff on there, crap that no one cares about anyway, and all those things i spent forever studying - so many of them weren't tested at all.

don't get me wrong... i know that the knowledge i've gained is valuable for its own sake.
but if i'm going to cram all of it into my head, can't i at least be able to take an exam with confidence? shouldn't i be able to finish it and feel good about myself?

just.. so annoying. i feel really shitty about it and it's frustrating because i need to spend the next three days cramming biochem into my head, so i don't even get a break.

fuck. seriously? why did they do that to us? why do i have to feel miserable about all the work i've been doing?

exam week (and a half)

time to hunker down over the books...
anatomy is on monday. biochem is next friday.

translated, that means:
i will be free in 11 days.

...at least for a little while. ;)

hey, it's something to look forward to!

what i lust after.

audrey kawasaki - yume no ato, oil painting

i've been wanting one of audrey's paintings pretty much forever.

they're beautiful, sensual, and just ravish the senses...

life before med school.

i miss life before med school. here's why:

- taking long weekends, friday to monday, without falling behind
- getting paid to work my ass off
- going home and leaving my work at work
- gmail chat... all. day. long.
- being somebody else's boss, and having "my chair"
- youtube
- playing with babies = work
- lunch breaks without a time limit
- evenings of jamaican food delivery & watching bravo
- very little anxiety
- happy hour. whenever.
- new york city, to which nothing compares



and here's why i'm glad to be in med school:

- the human body. really frickin' amazing.
- nerdy lunch lectures: pediatric nephrology, anyone?
- "extracurriculars"
- lots to kvetch about (wait, is that good?)
- shadowing: now, with legal protection!
- lots of smart people = super humbling experience
- the four-year countdown to kanj, MD
- learning how to be really useful to people who need you
- working towards what i've wanted to do practically my entire life...



huh. not quite as appealing a list, is it...
::grins:: and yet it works. such is life.

so many thoughts.

i have about a million things running through my head, and i wish i had time to write them all down, but i feel like i've wasted enough time on the internet already this evening... :)

basically, here's where i am now:

i just spent the most incredible, joyful, exciting, relaxing, love-filled weekend that i've had in a long long time... with andrew. in pittsburgh. with his friends and family. we celebrated sean & audrey's wedding - we visited andrew's family - we had great food and listened to great music and spent lots of time talking and laughing and dancing. it was amazing. (and i didn't do a single lick of studying, ha.)

i came back last night, depressed about leaving and anxious about starting school again and guilty/worried about not studying at all. i cried a lot yesterday. i cried again this morning. i was a wreck. and i realized that i have to figure out how to handle this better - how to deal with the transition between travel and school, between relaxing and working.

a few things i need to keep in mind (which, when i thought of them later this morning, made me kick myself in the ass and think "you're an idiot"):

one. i am not alone in this. i have ~150 classmates who are also freaking out, also overwhelmed and tired, and who also didn't do work over labor day weekend. we're all in the same boat here. i'm not the only one struggling. this makes a huge difference in my mindset.

two. weekends full of happy time are supposed to make me feel happy when i leave. andrew is amazing in this - he takes such good care of me, makes sure i'm happy, reassures me when i'm down. it's too bad my brain gets in the way - i always get so upset on the last day that i basically ruin it, when i should be enjoying those last moments. why start getting depressed before i have to be? i shouldn't be thinking about the leaving part. i should be thankful i'm still there!

three. it is ok to have balance in my life. no guilt necessary. sometimes you need to escape and have "normal" times with family & friends and not be thinking about med school. that's fine. i don't have to feel like crap for pushing work aside occasionally... it's normal to want to.

four. stop worrying about it. just do it. i've been telling my friends & classmates this, yet it affects me at times, too. thinking about how much you have to do and how hard it is and how you'll never finish... it's useless and it wastes energy and it ruins your morale. better to think: i CAN do this. and i will. and it's ok if i'm not perfect. i won't stress over the little things. i'll just keep working as hard as i can.

ok, kiddos. time to study. much love.