so many thoughts.

i have about a million things running through my head, and i wish i had time to write them all down, but i feel like i've wasted enough time on the internet already this evening... :)

basically, here's where i am now:

i just spent the most incredible, joyful, exciting, relaxing, love-filled weekend that i've had in a long long time... with andrew. in pittsburgh. with his friends and family. we celebrated sean & audrey's wedding - we visited andrew's family - we had great food and listened to great music and spent lots of time talking and laughing and dancing. it was amazing. (and i didn't do a single lick of studying, ha.)

i came back last night, depressed about leaving and anxious about starting school again and guilty/worried about not studying at all. i cried a lot yesterday. i cried again this morning. i was a wreck. and i realized that i have to figure out how to handle this better - how to deal with the transition between travel and school, between relaxing and working.

a few things i need to keep in mind (which, when i thought of them later this morning, made me kick myself in the ass and think "you're an idiot"):

one. i am not alone in this. i have ~150 classmates who are also freaking out, also overwhelmed and tired, and who also didn't do work over labor day weekend. we're all in the same boat here. i'm not the only one struggling. this makes a huge difference in my mindset.

two. weekends full of happy time are supposed to make me feel happy when i leave. andrew is amazing in this - he takes such good care of me, makes sure i'm happy, reassures me when i'm down. it's too bad my brain gets in the way - i always get so upset on the last day that i basically ruin it, when i should be enjoying those last moments. why start getting depressed before i have to be? i shouldn't be thinking about the leaving part. i should be thankful i'm still there!

three. it is ok to have balance in my life. no guilt necessary. sometimes you need to escape and have "normal" times with family & friends and not be thinking about med school. that's fine. i don't have to feel like crap for pushing work aside occasionally... it's normal to want to.

four. stop worrying about it. just do it. i've been telling my friends & classmates this, yet it affects me at times, too. thinking about how much you have to do and how hard it is and how you'll never finish... it's useless and it wastes energy and it ruins your morale. better to think: i CAN do this. and i will. and it's ok if i'm not perfect. i won't stress over the little things. i'll just keep working as hard as i can.

ok, kiddos. time to study. much love.