we didn't actually follow *one* recipe for this... more like, skimmed a bunch of online recipes for some tips and came up with what we wanted. an A+R creation.
sliced salmon into fillets
spread some canola oil onto pieces of foil & slipped salmon onto them
smushed up garlic cloves; added salt, olive oil, all-purpose seasoning
smeared this mixture onto the salmon
folded up the foil packets, leaving room to breathe (not really)
cooked at 450F for 20 minutes (thanks, giada)
perfecto!
soft, tender, garlicky, smooth, and not at all overpowering salmon, which we topped with lemon.
with sides of hummus, pita bread, and a salad with olive oil, lemon, & dried mint.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
tata venice.
i just spoke to my mother about her mother, my grandmother venice, who lives in lebanon, as all my grandparents do.
tata has been sick for a while now. along with her long-standing health problems: diabetes, osteoporosis, anemia... this year they found that her common bile duct, that runs between the pancreas and the duodenum, was obstructed. she was jaundiced and sick, went to the hospital in march, and had a stent put in. this made things better for a while, but now she's sick again - went in with painless jaundice, and from the tests & CAT scans, it seems there's an obstruction again, a mass pressing from the outside of her pancreas.
her doctors think it's pancreatic cancer. and they say that, either way, whether it's cancer or not, we can't really put her through a biopsy or surgery or anything... too invasive... not worth it in her condition. her body can't handle something that traumatic - the operation might kill her. it turns out, the stent she had put in apparently has a 3-month life span, so she needs another one soon. and that's the plan now, i guess - either way, cancer or not, they'll put a new stent in every three months because it'll make her feel better, and it's only minimally invasive (they do a gastroscopy = type of endoscopy that involves putting a tube down her throat and inserting the stent that way).
i've had a lot of mixed feelings about the whole subject - seems the rest of my family has, too. part of me, and my parents, really wants a firm diagnosis. there's that sense that, if you know what it is, you can figure out how to deal with it. it's not that we're proponents of aggressive treatment for elderly people... on the contrary, i feel, and my mom feels, that pushing a bunch of tests and doctor visits in that last year of life is just going to cause misery. we'd rather that my grandmother be peaceful in her remaining days, whether they be months or years. i wouldn't want to die in a hospital. and i wouldn't want to die alone. we're pretty sure she doesn't want that, either.
but at least, if we knew it was cancer, then we could say, ok, we'll ride it out with her, and we'll do what we can to make her comfortable. because if it's cancer, there's nothing we can really do (in her situation, specifically, having a very weak, frail body).
but if it's NOT cancer, then maybe there IS something we could do. maybe she could get stronger. maybe she could get some rehabilitation. something, anything, to make her feel better, or make her days easier, or make her quality of life higher.
tonight, mom and i talked for a long, long time about how tata is feeling, and also how mom is feeling. mom flew over to lebanon earlier this week, and i haven't been able to reach her by phone since then - the lines just didn't connect. she sounded so lonely; she told me she doesn't have anyone to talk to about what she's dealing with.
she says that tata seems to be doing a million times better since mom arrived in lebanon on wednesday. tata looks better, happier, brighter. she's turning around, simply because she's not alone. it's amazing what a difference it makes to have someone there who loves you and takes care of you and keeps you company.
when i asked mom about herself personally... physically, mom says, she's fine. but mentally, emotionally, she is exhausted and very hurt. her siblings have been, for the most part, incredibly insensitive and unhelpful. her older brother, thankfully, is going to fly over from saudi to spend some time with them & figure out a plan of action. but her other siblings, younger brother who lives in lebanon + younger sister who lives here, have reacted as though this is a hugely troublesome thing, and how dare my mother ask them for any help, and doesn't she realize "how hard it is."
specifically, mom had asked her younger brother if he & his wife & daughter could move closer to tata for a while. my grandparents live in an apartment building that they own, because my grandpa built it on land that my grandmother inherited. so there are apartments available to my uncle's family. it's a sacrifice, yes, but not an unreasonable one, considering that my uncle is self-employed and only an hour away.
but instead of just saying, "we can't do that, i'm sorry" and leaving it at that - he actually put my mother down, acted like it was ridiculous of her to ask that, and insisted that she should move to lebanon for some indefinite amount of time. that is actually how he thinks about it: because mom's kids are "grown up" (true, three of us are over 18, but i also have an 11-year-old sister!) she should be able to just leave her husband & children for as long as it takes, live overseas for months to years, and be the only one taking care of their mother. an absurd thing, but there you have it.
as for mom's younger sister, my aunt, she lives here in NJ with her family (husband & 3 kids). she constantly brings up the fact that it is a huge financial burden to fly over there for $1500 each time. my mom has to resist reminding her that, well, it's a huge burden for us, too. but honestly, mom says? if her sister doesn't go see their mother sometime soon, she may very well regret it. my aunt wouldn't be going over there for my grandmother, anyway: she'd be going for herself. she can't give tata any medical attention, as my mom can (having been a nurse & keeping up with such things) and she doesn't have the same comforting, soothing personality that my mother does. in fact, she can be a downer about these sorts of things. but if she doesn't go visit, at least once, it's only going to come back to haunt her, if tata's course does go downhill.
the thing is, my mom is a completely self-sacrificial person. that's how she's always been for us, and that's how she is for her parents & siblings. i'm also lucky to have an amazingly kind and noble father, who literally told my mother (which she then told me today) that she should put her mother first, and us second, and spend as much time as she needs to. but just because she can give so much of herself and never complain about it, doesn't mean that she should have to shoulder the whole burden herself! i mean, for christ's sake, this is their mother. how can my aunt & uncle not realize how important this is?! i keep thinking, if it were my mother... god, i would never want her to be alone. i would never want to be far away while she really needs me.
it is reassuring, though, to hear my mom speak about tata.
my mother says that tata looks beautiful, her face is peaceful... though tata is asking mom to help her prepare for her own death, no matter when that may be, mom is gently insisting that tata focus on getting her strength up, first.
mom also seems to be reassured when she talks to me - she wants to know that we're all doing ok, her brood back home. i told her i haven't been sleeping well, i've been anxious, i'm struggling to manage everything at once... and she begged me to focus on my studies. she said, i'm here now, taking care of your grandmother, so that you don't have to worry about it. as long as i'm here, you can feel ok about this.
and i know she's right. i can be ok. we'll all be ok. i think death, itself, is something peaceful (when we're lucky) and my family is starting to accept that this is something we'll have to deal with in the near future.
it's just the getting there, the transitional part, that's hard.
tata has been sick for a while now. along with her long-standing health problems: diabetes, osteoporosis, anemia... this year they found that her common bile duct, that runs between the pancreas and the duodenum, was obstructed. she was jaundiced and sick, went to the hospital in march, and had a stent put in. this made things better for a while, but now she's sick again - went in with painless jaundice, and from the tests & CAT scans, it seems there's an obstruction again, a mass pressing from the outside of her pancreas.
her doctors think it's pancreatic cancer. and they say that, either way, whether it's cancer or not, we can't really put her through a biopsy or surgery or anything... too invasive... not worth it in her condition. her body can't handle something that traumatic - the operation might kill her. it turns out, the stent she had put in apparently has a 3-month life span, so she needs another one soon. and that's the plan now, i guess - either way, cancer or not, they'll put a new stent in every three months because it'll make her feel better, and it's only minimally invasive (they do a gastroscopy = type of endoscopy that involves putting a tube down her throat and inserting the stent that way).
i've had a lot of mixed feelings about the whole subject - seems the rest of my family has, too. part of me, and my parents, really wants a firm diagnosis. there's that sense that, if you know what it is, you can figure out how to deal with it. it's not that we're proponents of aggressive treatment for elderly people... on the contrary, i feel, and my mom feels, that pushing a bunch of tests and doctor visits in that last year of life is just going to cause misery. we'd rather that my grandmother be peaceful in her remaining days, whether they be months or years. i wouldn't want to die in a hospital. and i wouldn't want to die alone. we're pretty sure she doesn't want that, either.
but at least, if we knew it was cancer, then we could say, ok, we'll ride it out with her, and we'll do what we can to make her comfortable. because if it's cancer, there's nothing we can really do (in her situation, specifically, having a very weak, frail body).
but if it's NOT cancer, then maybe there IS something we could do. maybe she could get stronger. maybe she could get some rehabilitation. something, anything, to make her feel better, or make her days easier, or make her quality of life higher.
tonight, mom and i talked for a long, long time about how tata is feeling, and also how mom is feeling. mom flew over to lebanon earlier this week, and i haven't been able to reach her by phone since then - the lines just didn't connect. she sounded so lonely; she told me she doesn't have anyone to talk to about what she's dealing with.
she says that tata seems to be doing a million times better since mom arrived in lebanon on wednesday. tata looks better, happier, brighter. she's turning around, simply because she's not alone. it's amazing what a difference it makes to have someone there who loves you and takes care of you and keeps you company.
when i asked mom about herself personally... physically, mom says, she's fine. but mentally, emotionally, she is exhausted and very hurt. her siblings have been, for the most part, incredibly insensitive and unhelpful. her older brother, thankfully, is going to fly over from saudi to spend some time with them & figure out a plan of action. but her other siblings, younger brother who lives in lebanon + younger sister who lives here, have reacted as though this is a hugely troublesome thing, and how dare my mother ask them for any help, and doesn't she realize "how hard it is."
specifically, mom had asked her younger brother if he & his wife & daughter could move closer to tata for a while. my grandparents live in an apartment building that they own, because my grandpa built it on land that my grandmother inherited. so there are apartments available to my uncle's family. it's a sacrifice, yes, but not an unreasonable one, considering that my uncle is self-employed and only an hour away.
but instead of just saying, "we can't do that, i'm sorry" and leaving it at that - he actually put my mother down, acted like it was ridiculous of her to ask that, and insisted that she should move to lebanon for some indefinite amount of time. that is actually how he thinks about it: because mom's kids are "grown up" (true, three of us are over 18, but i also have an 11-year-old sister!) she should be able to just leave her husband & children for as long as it takes, live overseas for months to years, and be the only one taking care of their mother. an absurd thing, but there you have it.
as for mom's younger sister, my aunt, she lives here in NJ with her family (husband & 3 kids). she constantly brings up the fact that it is a huge financial burden to fly over there for $1500 each time. my mom has to resist reminding her that, well, it's a huge burden for us, too. but honestly, mom says? if her sister doesn't go see their mother sometime soon, she may very well regret it. my aunt wouldn't be going over there for my grandmother, anyway: she'd be going for herself. she can't give tata any medical attention, as my mom can (having been a nurse & keeping up with such things) and she doesn't have the same comforting, soothing personality that my mother does. in fact, she can be a downer about these sorts of things. but if she doesn't go visit, at least once, it's only going to come back to haunt her, if tata's course does go downhill.
the thing is, my mom is a completely self-sacrificial person. that's how she's always been for us, and that's how she is for her parents & siblings. i'm also lucky to have an amazingly kind and noble father, who literally told my mother (which she then told me today) that she should put her mother first, and us second, and spend as much time as she needs to. but just because she can give so much of herself and never complain about it, doesn't mean that she should have to shoulder the whole burden herself! i mean, for christ's sake, this is their mother. how can my aunt & uncle not realize how important this is?! i keep thinking, if it were my mother... god, i would never want her to be alone. i would never want to be far away while she really needs me.
it is reassuring, though, to hear my mom speak about tata.
my mother says that tata looks beautiful, her face is peaceful... though tata is asking mom to help her prepare for her own death, no matter when that may be, mom is gently insisting that tata focus on getting her strength up, first.
mom also seems to be reassured when she talks to me - she wants to know that we're all doing ok, her brood back home. i told her i haven't been sleeping well, i've been anxious, i'm struggling to manage everything at once... and she begged me to focus on my studies. she said, i'm here now, taking care of your grandmother, so that you don't have to worry about it. as long as i'm here, you can feel ok about this.
and i know she's right. i can be ok. we'll all be ok. i think death, itself, is something peaceful (when we're lucky) and my family is starting to accept that this is something we'll have to deal with in the near future.
it's just the getting there, the transitional part, that's hard.
Monday, September 29, 2008
when exams are over.
i finished exams on friday and spent the weekend in new york city. totally exhausting and really fun.
today after class, i did yoga, watched tv, read blogs, chatted online, and finished book 7 of harry potter... ONE YEAR AFTER STARTING IT.
that probably indicates both how insane medical school is and how our brains turn to mush after a week of exams.
today after class, i did yoga, watched tv, read blogs, chatted online, and finished book 7 of harry potter... ONE YEAR AFTER STARTING IT.
that probably indicates both how insane medical school is and how our brains turn to mush after a week of exams.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
you know you've neglected something
when you can barely identify your own blog.
i'm in the midst of cramming absurd amounts of information into my head, again - but this year is a completely different sort of creature.
first year was like a long episode of how things work.
second year (so far) feels like one long guessing game of what the hell is wrong?!
a lot has changed for me in the past year:
on the other hand...
instead of hating pretty much every subject besides brains, i've found a lot of things to love / be fascinated by / consider tolerable enough to spend my life doing them. like, you know, kidneys. kidneys are cool. (skin, GI tract, and eyes - not so much.)
i'm also really really excited about working in the hospital next year. third year is completely different: we'll spend our time on the wards, following around 'real' doctors like we're meek puppy dogs and being pimped by attendings. ahhh, can't wait.
right now i'm in the middle of round #1 of exams.
yesterday i took my exam in clinical pathophysiology (which we call "medicine" for short because, really, isn't that what medicine is?).
tomorrow i've got psychiatry, which i LOVE... mostly because i was a psychology major in college, so i can get away with a bit less studying, mwahaha.
annnd then the real killer, pathology (ha! ha! get it? ...ok never mind) is on friday. that one might suck a little. eep.
alright, back to the books. i gotta work hard enough to be able to justify taking a study break later for house MD... yesss, my guilty pleasure is fake medicine.
i'm in the midst of cramming absurd amounts of information into my head, again - but this year is a completely different sort of creature.
first year was like a long episode of how things work.
second year (so far) feels like one long guessing game of what the hell is wrong?!
a lot has changed for me in the past year:
- i have greatly increased my tolerance level: i can now plant my ass firmly in this chair and work for hours on end.
- i no longer expect to get evenings or weekends "off"; it's pretty much assumed that i will be studying.
- the fear of "ohmygod what if i FAIL?!" has been replaced by a general distaste and annoyance with having to take exams in the first place.
on the other hand...
instead of hating pretty much every subject besides brains, i've found a lot of things to love / be fascinated by / consider tolerable enough to spend my life doing them. like, you know, kidneys. kidneys are cool. (skin, GI tract, and eyes - not so much.)
i'm also really really excited about working in the hospital next year. third year is completely different: we'll spend our time on the wards, following around 'real' doctors like we're meek puppy dogs and being pimped by attendings. ahhh, can't wait.
right now i'm in the middle of round #1 of exams.
yesterday i took my exam in clinical pathophysiology (which we call "medicine" for short because, really, isn't that what medicine is?).
tomorrow i've got psychiatry, which i LOVE... mostly because i was a psychology major in college, so i can get away with a bit less studying, mwahaha.
annnd then the real killer, pathology (ha! ha! get it? ...ok never mind) is on friday. that one might suck a little. eep.
alright, back to the books. i gotta work hard enough to be able to justify taking a study break later for house MD... yesss, my guilty pleasure is fake medicine.
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