stark rulaity

dinner: baked salmon (in foil)

2008-12-07T21:41:00.002-05:00

we didn't actually follow *one* recipe for this... more like, skimmed a bunch of online recipes for some tips and came up with what we wanted. an A+R creation.

sliced salmon into fillets
spread some canola oil onto pieces of foil & slipped salmon onto them
smushed up garlic cloves; added salt, olive oil, all-purpose seasoning
smeared this mixture onto the salmon
folded up the foil packets, leaving room to breathe (not really)
cooked at 450F for 20 minutes (thanks, giada)
perfecto!

soft, tender, garlicky, smooth, and not at all overpowering salmon, which we topped with lemon.
with sides of hummus, pita bread, and a salad with olive oil, lemon, & dried mint.

tata venice.

2008-10-10T18:12:00.002-04:00

i just spoke to my mother about her mother, my grandmother venice, who lives in lebanon, as all my grandparents do.

tata has been sick for a while now. along with her long-standing health problems: diabetes, osteoporosis, anemia... this year they found that her common bile duct, that runs between the pancreas and the duodenum, was obstructed. she was jaundiced and sick, went to the hospital in march, and had a stent put in. this made things better for a while, but now she's sick again - went in with painless jaundice, and from the tests & CAT scans, it seems there's an obstruction again, a mass pressing from the outside of her pancreas.

her doctors think it's pancreatic cancer. and they say that, either way, whether it's cancer or not, we can't really put her through a biopsy or surgery or anything... too invasive... not worth it in her condition. her body can't handle something that traumatic - the operation might kill her. it turns out, the stent she had put in apparently has a 3-month life span, so she needs another one soon. and that's the plan now, i guess - either way, cancer or not, they'll put a new stent in every three months because it'll make her feel better, and it's only minimally invasive (they do a gastroscopy = type of endoscopy that involves putting a tube down her throat and inserting the stent that way).

i've had a lot of mixed feelings about the whole subject - seems the rest of my family has, too. part of me, and my parents, really wants a firm diagnosis. there's that sense that, if you know what it is, you can figure out how to deal with it. it's not that we're proponents of aggressive treatment for elderly people... on the contrary, i feel, and my mom feels, that pushing a bunch of tests and doctor visits in that last year of life is just going to cause misery. we'd rather that my grandmother be peaceful in her remaining days, whether they be months or years. i wouldn't want to die in a hospital. and i wouldn't want to die alone. we're pretty sure she doesn't want that, either.

but at least, if we knew it was cancer, then we could say, ok, we'll ride it out with her, and we'll do what we can to make her comfortable. because if it's cancer, there's nothing we can really do (in her situation, specifically, having a very weak, frail body).

but if it's NOT cancer, then maybe there IS something we could do. maybe she could get stronger. maybe she could get some rehabilitation. something, anything, to make her feel better, or make her days easier, or make her quality of life higher.

tonight, mom and i talked for a long, long time about how tata is feeling, and also how mom is feeling. mom flew over to lebanon earlier this week, and i haven't been able to reach her by phone since then - the lines just didn't connect. she sounded so lonely; she told me she doesn't have anyone to talk to about what she's dealing with.

she says that tata seems to be doing a million times better since mom arrived in lebanon on wednesday. tata looks better, happier, brighter. she's turning around, simply because she's not alone. it's amazing what a difference it makes to have someone there who loves you and takes care of you and keeps you company.

when i asked mom about herself personally... physically, mom says, she's fine. but mentally, emotionally, she is exhausted and very hurt. her siblings have been, for the most part, incredibly insensitive and unhelpful. her older brother, thankfully, is going to fly over from saudi to spend some time with them & figure out a plan of action. but her other siblings, younger brother who lives in lebanon + younger sister who lives here, have reacted as though this is a hugely troublesome thing, and how dare my mother ask them for any help, and doesn't she realize "how hard it is."

specifically, mom had asked her younger brother if he & his wife & daughter could move closer to tata for a while. my grandparents live in an apartment building that they own, because my grandpa built it on land that my grandmother inherited. so there are apartments available to my uncle's family. it's a sacrifice, yes, but not an unreasonable one, considering that my uncle is self-employed and only an hour away.

but instead of just saying, "we can't do that, i'm sorry" and leaving it at that - he actually put my mother down, acted like it was ridiculous of her to ask that, and insisted that she should move to lebanon for some indefinite amount of time. that is actually how he thinks about it: because mom's kids are "grown up" (true, three of us are over 18, but i also have an 11-year-old sister!) she should be able to just leave her husband & children for as long as it takes, live overseas for months to years, and be the only one taking care of their mother. an absurd thing, but there you have it.

as for mom's younger sister, my aunt, she lives here in NJ with her family (husband & 3 kids). she constantly brings up the fact that it is a huge financial burden to fly over there for $1500 each time. my mom has to resist reminding her that, well, it's a huge burden for us, too. but honestly, mom says? if her sister doesn't go see their mother sometime soon, she may very well regret it. my aunt wouldn't be going over there for my grandmother, anyway: she'd be going for herself. she can't give tata any medical attention, as my mom can (having been a nurse & keeping up with such things) and she doesn't have the same comforting, soothing personality that my mother does. in fact, she can be a downer about these sorts of things. but if she doesn't go visit, at least once, it's only going to come back to haunt her, if tata's course does go downhill.

the thing is, my mom is a completely self-sacrificial person. that's how she's always been for us, and that's how she is for her parents & siblings. i'm also lucky to have an amazingly kind and noble father, who literally told my mother (which she then told me today) that she should put her mother first, and us second, and spend as much time as she needs to. but just because she can give so much of herself and never complain about it, doesn't mean that she should have to shoulder the whole burden herself! i mean, for christ's sake, this is their mother. how can my aunt & uncle not realize how important this is?! i keep thinking, if it were my mother... god, i would never want her to be alone. i would never want to be far away while she really needs me.

it is reassuring, though, to hear my mom speak about tata.
my mother says that tata looks beautiful, her face is peaceful... though tata is asking mom to help her prepare for her own death, no matter when that may be, mom is gently insisting that tata focus on getting her strength up, first.

mom also seems to be reassured when she talks to me - she wants to know that we're all doing ok, her brood back home. i told her i haven't been sleeping well, i've been anxious, i'm struggling to manage everything at once... and she begged me to focus on my studies. she said, i'm here now, taking care of your grandmother, so that you don't have to worry about it. as long as i'm here, you can feel ok about this.

and i know she's right. i can be ok. we'll all be ok. i think death, itself, is something peaceful (when we're lucky) and my family is starting to accept that this is something we'll have to deal with in the near future.

it's just the getting there, the transitional part, that's hard.

when exams are over.

2008-09-29T23:31:00.003-04:00

i finished exams on friday and spent the weekend in new york city. totally exhausting and really fun.

today after class, i did yoga, watched tv, read blogs, chatted online, and finished book 7 of harry potter... ONE YEAR AFTER STARTING IT.

that probably indicates both how insane medical school is and how our brains turn to mush after a week of exams.

you know you've neglected something

2008-09-23T17:56:00.003-04:00

when you can barely identify your own blog.

i'm in the midst of cramming absurd amounts of information into my head, again - but this year is a completely different sort of creature.
first year was like a long episode of how things work.
second year (so far) feels like one long guessing game of what the hell is wrong?!

a lot has changed for me in the past year:

i have greatly increased my tolerance level: i can now plant my ass firmly in this chair and work for hours on end.
i no longer expect to get evenings or weekends "off"; it's pretty much assumed that i will be studying.
the fear of "ohmygod what if i FAIL?!" has been replaced by a general distaste and annoyance with having to take exams in the first place.

on the other hand...
instead of hating pretty much every subject besides brains, i've found a lot of things to love / be fascinated by / consider tolerable enough to spend my life doing them. like, you know, kidneys. kidneys are cool. (skin, GI tract, and eyes - not so much.)

i'm also really really excited about working in the hospital next year. third year is completely different: we'll spend our time on the wards, following around 'real' doctors like we're meek puppy dogs and being pimped by attendings. ahhh, can't wait.

right now i'm in the middle of round #1 of exams.
yesterday i took my exam in clinical pathophysiology (which we call "medicine" for short because, really, isn't that what medicine is?).
tomorrow i've got psychiatry, which i LOVE... mostly because i was a psychology major in college, so i can get away with a bit less studying, mwahaha.
annnd then the real killer, pathology (ha! ha! get it? ...ok never mind) is on friday. that one might suck a little. eep.

alright, back to the books. i gotta work hard enough to be able to justify taking a study break later for house MD... yesss, my guilty pleasure is fake medicine.

first anatomy exam.

2007-09-17T18:06:00.000-04:00

that was an absolutely horrible exam.

we came out of it going, what the fuck?

and it's just frustrating, because i've been busting my ass for the past several weeks, studying, stressing, losing sleep... and for what? so that i can come off the test feeling like shit and not knowing whether i passed?

i can't believe they did that to us. they'd told us the exam wasn't going to be as hard as last year's, because this year the passing grade is higher (70% instead of 65). not that i studied any less, but still.. you expect the exam to be a little more 'fair.'
instead, they threw all this random unexpected stuff on there, crap that no one cares about anyway, and all those things i spent forever studying - so many of them weren't tested at all.

don't get me wrong... i know that the knowledge i've gained is valuable for its own sake.
but if i'm going to cram all of it into my head, can't i at least be able to take an exam with confidence? shouldn't i be able to finish it and feel good about myself?

just.. so annoying. i feel really shitty about it and it's frustrating because i need to spend the next three days cramming biochem into my head, so i don't even get a break.

fuck. seriously? why did they do that to us? why do i have to feel miserable about all the work i've been doing?

exam week (and a half)

2007-09-10T20:06:00.001-04:00

time to hunker down over the books...
anatomy is on monday. biochem is next friday.

translated, that means:
i will be free in 11 days.

...at least for a little while. ;)

hey, it's something to look forward to!

what i lust after.

2007-09-08T17:43:00.000-04:00

audrey kawasaki - yume no ato, oil painting

i've been wanting one of audrey's paintings pretty much forever.

they're beautiful, sensual, and just ravish the senses...

life before med school.

2007-09-08T00:33:00.000-04:00

i miss life before med school. here's why:

- taking long weekends, friday to monday, without falling behind
- getting paid to work my ass off
- going home and leaving my work at work
- gmail chat... all. day. long.
- being somebody else's boss, and having "my chair"
- youtube
- playing with babies = work
- lunch breaks without a time limit
- evenings of jamaican food delivery & watching bravo
- very little anxiety
- happy hour. whenever.
- new york city, to which nothing compares

and here's why i'm glad to be in med school:

- the human body. really frickin' amazing.
- nerdy lunch lectures: pediatric nephrology, anyone?
- "extracurriculars"
- lots to kvetch about (wait, is that good?)
- shadowing: now, with legal protection!
- lots of smart people = super humbling experience
- the four-year countdown to kanj, MD
- learning how to be really useful to people who need you
- working towards what i've wanted to do practically my entire life...

huh. not quite as appealing a list, is it...
::grins:: and yet it works. such is life.

so many thoughts.

2007-09-04T18:59:00.000-04:00

i have about a million things running through my head, and i wish i had time to write them all down, but i feel like i've wasted enough time on the internet already this evening... :)

basically, here's where i am now:

i just spent the most incredible, joyful, exciting, relaxing, love-filled weekend that i've had in a long long time... with andrew. in pittsburgh. with his friends and family. we celebrated sean & audrey's wedding - we visited andrew's family - we had great food and listened to great music and spent lots of time talking and laughing and dancing. it was amazing. (and i didn't do a single lick of studying, ha.)

i came back last night, depressed about leaving and anxious about starting school again and guilty/worried about not studying at all. i cried a lot yesterday. i cried again this morning. i was a wreck. and i realized that i have to figure out how to handle this better - how to deal with the transition between travel and school, between relaxing and working.

a few things i need to keep in mind (which, when i thought of them later this morning, made me kick myself in the ass and think "you're an idiot"):

one. i am not alone in this. i have ~150 classmates who are also freaking out, also overwhelmed and tired, and who also didn't do work over labor day weekend. we're all in the same boat here. i'm not the only one struggling. this makes a huge difference in my mindset.

two. weekends full of happy time are supposed to make me feel happy when i leave. andrew is amazing in this - he takes such good care of me, makes sure i'm happy, reassures me when i'm down. it's too bad my brain gets in the way - i always get so upset on the last day that i basically ruin it, when i should be enjoying those last moments. why start getting depressed before i have to be? i shouldn't be thinking about the leaving part. i should be thankful i'm still there!

three. it is ok to have balance in my life. no guilt necessary. sometimes you need to escape and have "normal" times with family & friends and not be thinking about med school. that's fine. i don't have to feel like crap for pushing work aside occasionally... it's normal to want to.

four. stop worrying about it. just do it. i've been telling my friends & classmates this, yet it affects me at times, too. thinking about how much you have to do and how hard it is and how you'll never finish... it's useless and it wastes energy and it ruins your morale. better to think: i CAN do this. and i will. and it's ok if i'm not perfect. i won't stress over the little things. i'll just keep working as hard as i can.

ok, kiddos. time to study. much love.

have i become a really lame person?

2007-08-26T12:47:00.001-04:00

i haven't gone out at all this weekend, but it's not like i've been studying hardcore either... yesterday morning was actually pretty miserable - i had a nice little cry (or a bad little cry) because i was overwhelmed and my studying list was really scary. but i pulled myself together, grabbed some books & notes, and went to school for a while. then i came home for dinner and studied for a couple hours here. this morning we went to church; just got back a little while ago. i have lots more to do, of course. but i'm looking at photos that some 2nd years posted on facebook: somebody's house party, people in cute clothes, then people on the subway, then at a club that's obviously in new york.. stuff like that. and it made me feel both kinda lame but also kinda above all that, too. it's weird. i really enjoy hanging out with people, talking, laughing, yadda yadda. but i also don't like the really fake feeling of going out sometimes. don't get me wrong, i think it's fine to go out just to go out, to get out of your routine, that's all good times. it's more that whole thing of convincing yourselves that a place is cool just because you're drinking, or because it's crowded or, even worse, because it's "in the city." i keep going back and forth on this... i miss new york, a lot, but mainly because there were about a million different things you could do there, and you could go to a place with whatever style or mood you wanted. i have enjoyed going out here, but only when it was with good people, and only when we actually went somewhere fun (e.g. the dinner at evelyn's + dancing at club night). the house parties bore the hell out of me, with their beer pong and flip cup and shit. i'd much rather go listen to some cool music and/or go dancing. the problem with that, though, is that it takes so much effort: dressing up, getting someone to drive... and taking multiple trains to the city? forget it - i did that enough this past year, it takes forever. the house parties are much more low-maintenance, but they're not even worth the trouble of leaving the house. so we're left with... uh, nothing. because i'm not into suburban beer fun, and i'm too tired to actually go somewhere cool. nice work, lame-o med student rula... i think i'll just go out to eat instead. food is better than alcohol. :)

in other news - this week is going to be more of the same awesome boring-ness, but it's because i'm saving up: i'm flying to pittsburgh on friday for a long weekend with andrew. two of his best friends are getting married (yup, to each other) and then we're going to visit his family and check out the folkfest.

and all the studying will be completely worth it...

a week in the life.

2007-08-24T17:33:00.000-04:00

well, it's the end of the week finally, and i haven't written here since monday.

it's funny, because things went both ways: i've been really busy, but i've also been sitting on my bum a lot. :)
i guess that is the nature of being in med school, haha... we're either sitting for long hours or standing for them!

***
essentially my days go something like this:

i wake up sometime between 7:30 and 8:30. shower, get dressed, eat breakfast. even when i'm 'on time,' i usually end up running late. :) grab some coffee, drive aggressively to school, and walk the five miles from the parking lot.

i sit in biochem lecture for either one or two hours. this involves listening most of the time, frowning with confusion sometimes, highlighting my notes a lot, and exchanging whispered comments with the girls (yeah, my little clique, haha). we pretty much always sit together, if possible, and it makes school more tolerable.

at noon, i grab my lunch and hang out with the girls for an hour, venting about school. occasionally i'll go to a meeting.

after lunch there's anatomy lecture. we're in the same place (main lecture hall) as we were for biochem, so this room gets really tiring. sometimes we have a lecturer i like: seiden, moorman... and sometimes mulheron lectures, and i want to kill myself. so, they talk about body parts for a while (1 - 2.5 hrs) then dismiss us for lab.

we all head upstairs to our lockers, and then starts the mass flurry of people opening their lockers and pulling out (dirty) scrubs and (really nasty) lab coats. most of us have paired up with a friend to share lockers: we'll make one the "clean" locker, for putting our books & clothes in, while the other is the "dirty" locker, for scrubs, lab coats, lab shoes. the dirty locker is, inevitably, horrid-smelling -- hence why you want to share.

some people find small group rooms to change in, going behind doors & curtains. i just change in the hallway, which is what most of the guys do. ::shrug:: i guess i'm not super-concerned about it, haha. but if paul stein (director of teaching labs) catches me doing that, i'll be slaughtered... :p

anyway. we then all head into the lab, which is split into two parts: the main anatomy lab, where all the cadavers are, and what's called the 'small lab,' a little offshoot where you can use computer programs, skeletons & models, and look at prosected cadavers. we each rotate into that lab once every three anatomy days, so that we end up doing two days of dissection for one day of small lab.

lab is sometimes ok, sometimes pretty wretched, and sometimes it's actually - gasp - pretty awesome.

when it's wretched, it's because you've spent 2.5 hours digging through tissue to find this one elusive thing that you really couldn't give two shits about, and honestly, if it's that important to know it, you could've spent the last few hours studying it in an atlas. bleh.

when it's awesome - it's because we're examining really cool aspects of the human body, and see how it all fits together, with the amazingly intricate details. and when you find that artery or nerve you've been digging for, there's this thrill of victory that's hilarious to think about: we're all like, "yes!!! i found the axillary nerve!" it's pretty damn nerdy. ;)

after lab, we strip off our scrubs as quickly as possible, change back into normal clothes, and usually people head home / to the gym / somewhere that's not school... i think it's kinda difficult to stay there when you feel generally icky and tired. but we'll often come back to study in the evenings. typically, i'll run any errands i need to, head home for dinner, and either study at home or meet up with people at school.

by the end of the week (and by that, i mean thursday), people are ready to go out... so they'll often get a group together, or send an email, or pass the message along, that we're celebrating so-and-so's birthday on thursday, and we're going out to this bar on friday, and who'll be driving, and blah blah. since it's basically like high school, with ~160 in our class, most people know each other, or at least recognize them.

the weekends are for more going out and, of course, lots of studying, because that's our time to catch up on sleep and catch up on school. all that reading and lab notes and practice quizzes? yeah, a good deal of it ends up being pushed to the weekend, because our evenings are so full of just keeping up with that day's lectures, and prepping for the next day's dissection.

***
so. that's my life right now, pretty much. sounds incredibly exciting, doesn't it? i know, you all envy this glamorous existence... hahaha.

besides the usual, other stuff i did this week:

joined another club (Salud)
interviewed for an e-board position (HIPHOP)
applied to another e-board position (AMSA)
woke up early twice to study
watched videos of dissections to prepare
got splattered with human tissue
nearly fell asleep reading 100 pages of anatomy
interviewed a standardized patient with acid reflux
took a HIPAA quiz, for the third time
learned how to take blood pressure, but couldn't actually hear anything
got a tetanus shot that made my arm feel like i've been beaten up
saw my uncle, visiting from lebanon, whom i haven't seen in three years.. but only for ~2 hrs, because i had to study
and
chatted with a third-year who assured me that it only gets worse

yeaaah.

to be honest, i waver a lot these days between being super-optimistic and determined about things, wanting to learn and grow and mature and become super-awesome... and being sort of depressed at what has become my life, and how it's going to continue.

but i've decided to adopt, as my personal philosophy for now, something that my friend & classmate caroline said, as we noted that life would be hell for the next four years, and then at least four years of residency:

when the light at the tunnel is really far away, you're better off just learning to enjoy the tunnel.

so all i have to do is convince myself that this will be loads of fun... :)

well, kids, i'd love to stick around, but my to-do list of eight large segments to study is beckoning... actually, it's yanking on my hair...

damn you, monday.

2007-08-20T19:09:00.000-04:00

start of another week... it's actually sort of depressing.

after this weekend, i felt prepared to take on what was next. i'd gotten enough rest, i caught up on studying, i'd relaxed and re-energized. you know... weekend things.

but now, i feel completely overwhelmed again... lots of new biochem, and tons of new anatomy material to learn. meetings to attend. projects to discuss. i don't feel very organized about the whole thing - i don't know where to start.

and the fact that there are a million resources (books, online materials, computer programs, etc.) that i could potentially use isn't very reassuring - it's actually more frightening to me, because it makes me feel that i can't possibly learn it all.

jenny's right, though - i haven't yet gotten into my 'routine' of studying. that is, i don't know yet what'll work best for me, whether it's reading the anatomy text, watching the dissection videos, using resources together, whatever.

also, we're not even close to exam time. so right now, i have time to learn. later, it'll be crunch-time, but not now. :) so i'm staying away from the anal-retentive people, haha - they just make me paranoid.

here's the problem, though - i'm feeling a fever coming on. and i should grab coffee & start studying, but i'm so tired, i really just want to take a nap.

we'll see. i guess, in the end, i have to do what's best for myself...

thank god it's friday.

2007-08-17T18:55:00.001-04:00

...too bad it's storming like crazy.

we're supposed to be at two different parties tonight - hope this weather clears up!
first, a 'margarita mixer' (what?) which the entire school will probably attend, and then, christiaan's 25th birthday - he's our gay boyfriend. ;)

hmm, i actually sort of feel like studying right now. or maybe i'm in a reading mood, in which case i'd rather read harry potter.
dudes, i'm so behind - it's been two weeks since i last opened it! guess that's what happens when you start med school, haha...

how you know you've crossed the threshold from normal person to med student:
a dinner conversation about cutting people open doesn't gross you out anymore.

weird.

a good day.

2007-08-16T18:40:00.000-04:00

today mom asked me how my day was, just as she does every day.
and my response was different. i was finally able to say, today was a good day. today was a lot better than it's been all week... thank God.

there are so many reasons that today felt better.
i got enough sleep last night, but i don't think that was it.. i still felt exhausted today.

the day just went better. things made sense. i understood what was going on. i didn't feel behind. and i didn't feel nearly as overwhelmed as i have before.

biochem lecture was actually tolerable, not torturous at all. dr. patel was talking about enzymes -- not the most interesting of topics, right? -- but she made it very clear, didn't rush through things, explained them well. and it made a big difference. i actually had this moment where i was like, oh wow! that's how enzymes actually work and it was pretty cool, if extremely nerdy. :)

i didn't eat very much at lunch because i'd had this knot in my stomach all day, and after talking to caroline, i finally realized what it was... we were just plain nervous. it was like my entire body knew what was coming this afternoon.

but it was all for naught.

we went into anatomy lecture, and dr. seiden was up front. sweet, i thought, i like his lectures.
and then he proceeded to give the most interesting, straightforward, and useful lecture we've had in anatomy thus far. it wasn't mindblowing in any way... it was more like, everything suddenly clicked. he actually made the material easier. instead of memorizing charts of muscle functions, he said, think of it this way: and he explained how to examine a muscle and figure it out.

incredible! that made a *huge* difference for me. by the end i was actually nodding enthusiastically and saying to myself, oh wow, that makes sense, very cool.
i mean, what?! "very cool"? since when do i describe anything in anatomy as "very cool"?

the surprises of today didn't end there, either.
we went to anatomy lab next, actually getting there early. our goal was to identify the intermediate muscles of the back and to remove a section of the vertebral column.

i started out doing ok... clearing off some of the muscles, cutting where i needed to... although i didn't appreciate my lab group member, mr. no emotion, once again telling me not to be so "delicate." seriously, dude, screw you.

i did every part of the dissection as i was supposed to, working with the other three to go deeper into the back and examine more layers of muscles. and then we were working on the vertebral column, to take part of it out so that we could see the spinal cord below.

parts of it were still really uncomfortable - for example, watching people pound chisels into the cadavers' spines. but even worse was mr. no emotion encouraging another guy to take a swing with the hammer and "crack that shit!"
are you kidding me? this isn't a football game, and we're not having beer and wings. have some fucking respect, dude. yeah, he still pisses me off...

but i had to set that aside, because something really remarkable happened. we were standing around our cadaver, peering into the spinal column, when robert exclaimed that we were doing "the most exciting thing of our lives thus far." at first i sort of scoffed at that. but he was like, "think about this - we're holding the spinal cord in our hands. when have we ever done anything like this?"

it was true. we were holding the spinal cord. it was sort of unbelievable.

and then dr. crystal (one of our instructors, a surgeon-turned-professor) came over and, in a matter of less than ten minutes, showed us every structure of the spinal nerves, from the spinal cord out. absolutely amazing. he stepped back and was like, there you go, that's everything you need to know.

that's when i start to really get excited... i'm thinking to myself, holy crap, that's the ventral root and that's the dorsal root ganglion and that's the ventral & dorsal rami! that is what they look like in real life, not in a textbook diagram, or even in a finely detailed illustrated atlas. this is REAL.
and holy crap again. that is what spinal nerves look like. that's where they connect to other nerves in the back. we've never seen anything like this in our lives! there's nothing you can even compare it to.

it was just amazing. and i really started to appreciate it today, because the whole time i was thinking -- even when this feels uncomfortable, even when i get a little queasy and have to step away, even when i can't handle the other people standing around me -- this is so, so valuable. this is the most extraordinary learning experience, and i'm so thankful that people actually give us their bodies so that we can do this.

i mean, how does that happen? why do they decide to do it? i really don't know, and i want to know. because i am finally understanding what it's all about. i'm realizing why it's so important, and i just didn't get that before.

i don't know what it was, specifically, about today that made things so much better for me. maybe it's a matter of me 'getting used to it.' maybe it's that i had some really wonderful teachers to help me. maybe it's because things were interesting, i was enlightened, and somehow it clicked.

because i was no longer thinking about the enormous amount i still need to learn.
i was thinking about how fascinating things were, right in front of me.

every day feels like a thousand days.

2007-08-16T00:40:00.000-04:00

first things first.

to my livejournal readers: thank you all, so very much, for your kind and thoughtful comments on my post yesterday. you have no idea how much that means to me. honestly. these aren't just words. they are a deep and resonating reassurance that i desperately need these days.

i need to know that people believe in me. i need to know that i can do this. i need to know that it'll get better, and that i'll actually enjoy it sometimes, and that it'll be ok. and that it'll be worth it in the end.

i appreciate all of your encouragement and your very, very flattering words to me.

because this whole thing, the entire experience, can be so disheartening.

i mean, imagine it this way.

i was at school today from around 10 to 5 - went to a family friend's birthday party - studied on my own for an hour - then had a study group from 8 to 10:30. doesn't sound too long, does it? yet it seriously wipes you out.

man, i've never felt so much exhaustion in my life... well, maybe when i had mono. (you guys remember that? spring of 2005. what a shitty time that illness was, haha.) my whole body is aching. i've been tired the entire day! it just never stops.

i came home and, half-serious, half-laughing, complained to my mother that i "don't want to go to school tomorrow." she hugged me and we laughed. i ended up curled up on the floor, groaning "why? why am i doing this? dad, seriously. is medicine worth it?" and i'm laughing, but i'm also serious.

***

i have all these crazy thoughts... there's a constant undercurrent of both depression and overwhelmingness. (jesus, is that even a noun? great, now i'm making up words.)

the road feels so long, it seems like we'll never get there. it's going to take forever to become a doctor. will i ever get there at all? it's absolutely crazy to think about.

here we are on day 3. day THREE of medical school. yes, we've only had three days of class, and it feels like we've been here forever. and people are already freaking out! i'm already doubting my ability to do this! i already feel like i'm behind!

now tell me. how is it possible to be behind when you've only been in school for three days?!

see, that's what i'm sayin'. :)

***

so yes, i'm basically in a constant state of fear and anxiety. i'm much more tired than usual and i tend to get grumpy by late afternoon. i have this persistent headache and slight fever. i pretty much think about med school all day, all the damn time.

but. there is a 'but.'

when people get into this frenzied state of making sure they've bought every book we could possibly refer to, and looking through practice exams the first week of class, and rapid-firing this laundry list of things we're supposed to know but haven't actually learned yet -- instead of just studying the frickin' material already -- i mean, come on.

that sort of thing seriously bothers me, and it just makes me feel worse, like i'm not "doing enough." and that's a pretty crappy feeling when your whole life has become contained in these few little bubbles of medical school, your classmates, and your house. when your only 'after-school' activity is even more school.

i felt so bombarded by hyperanxiety from, yes, my new friends at med school, whom i really like, but couldn't really handle tonight. it makes me not want to study with other people, even though i know that i'll need to, for several reasons: to rally concepts back and forth, to explain to each other, to make sure we didn't miss anything.

but man did it stress me out tonight.

i came home and all i wanted was a hug. i just wanted physical contact and comfort. hence the sitting around, curling up in fetal position, and when mom rubbed my arms, asking her to "keep doing that because it feels nice, and i feel miserable."

***

yet i have to say, classes themselves today weren't all that horrible. the stress came with studying tonight and preparing for tomorrow. but class today was different... because instead of anatomy in the afternoon, we had PCM: patient-centered medicine. essentially, our "doctoring" course.

now, this is an interesting course, because it is the one thing we have in these first two years, known as the "pre-clinical" years, that is actually clinical. it's the course that's intended to nurture in us the elements of compassion, empathy, respect, and truly caring for our patients. basically, the elements that push us beyond only having the scientific knowledge, and into the knowledge of our profession as an art of humanity.

without this aspect of our education, we'd basically be in grad school for human biology.
but with this, we learn to be practitioners with the capacity for emotional connection.

i rather like it, as it's sort of the reason i went into medicine in the first place.

that, and there isn't as much required studying. ;)

today we saw our first "standardized patient": an actor who is trained to play the role of a real patient. we actually had to interview her, in groups, to take a very rudimentary patient history and to try to pinpoint the source of her primary complaint.

dude, it was hard. that lady was a tough cookie! she volunteered no extra information - we had to pry it out of her, while being kind, open, confident, reassuring, and (sort of?) knowledgeable. i mean, shit, we know nothing yet. we're first-years on our third day! so it was pretty funny. :) but sharlene & i did well with the "general questioning" - i was actually able to get valuable info from the patient and trace her headaches back to (of all things) domestic abuse at home. (this is all a fabricated patient story, of course.)

***

i suppose you don't realize how much there is to think about until you're actually in that situation. it was such a cool experience, though! it felt so real, finally... much more real than cutting into the cadaver.

now that i think about it - is that strange? am i supposed to feel like i'm "really" in med school when i start dissecting? i don't know, guys - interviewing that standardized patient felt much more doctor-like. it was a true challenge, you know? i couldn't just take a scalpel to her, start cutting and digging, then finally fall upon what i was looking for and go, "oh! there it is! yup, exactly where i thought that nerve would be."

i had to ask questions. i had to convey my concern. i had to react appropriately. that is to say - i had to actually think AND feel at the same time... i had to act as a fellow human being. it was exploratory in an entirely different way.

and i can't say for sure, but i think it was right up my alley. because it jives with the way i am.

which is why i'm studying medicine in the first place: this is me, this is where i fit, and this is how i can help.

thank God for that.

reassurance.

2007-08-14T21:42:00.001-04:00

i had a really rough evening. i haven't studied at all - just sat around a lot, after writing, and eventually cried my heart out. this is really hard right now. but it'll get better. people who love me have said so. i believe them.

thank God for andrew, who comforts me as much as i need, and always listens so well. thank God for my dad, who shares his experiences with me and reassures me that i can do this - that God means for me to gain this knowledge - and that it will help me save lives in the future.

i can do this. i can.

day 2.

2007-08-14T19:51:00.001-04:00

i'm home, finally. today was really damn long.

i'm exhausted. my lower back is aching. my fingers smell like latex, formaldehyde, and... something else unique to anatomy lab.
i feel disheartened, disturbed, slightly disgusted...

and i feel miserable. i can't even smile. there's just nothing.. happy, right now.

it was a really, really, really long day.

we started with a cognitive skills seminar - something about studying effectively and managing your time, etc. we got some useful advice, to be sure, about previewing for lectures, organizing study notes, blah de blah. but it felt like so much to be doing. where am i supposed to get that time, and especially, that much energy?!

i mean, here i am, i just got home around 6:15. today's pretty typical - actually, we were out of anatomy lab kind of early, so i imagine i'll be there later some days. and by the time you shower (because i'll bet it only gets more disgusting from here) and eat dinner and just relax your head - well, there's the early evening, gone.

if i studied from now - say 7pm - until 1am, and don't take a single break, that's six hours of studying. if i go straight through. and this material is such a bitch, i know it's going to take me hours upon hours of going through it.

anyway. besides that. we had "only" one biochem lecture today, and jesus, dr. stock made it a hefty one. we spent half an hour on one frickin' overhead, going over every damn property of proteins there's ever been. i started out thinking that maybe i could keep up today, but by the end i was so completely overwhelmed. finally she gave us a sample exam question - i just stared at it and thought, there is no way i could even start to tackle that.

that's a bad sign, i do think.

at lunch i had a nice meal, packed by mom.. i think she & i are both really enjoying this whole "back to elementary school" feel of med school, hah. it's so funny - we all go to the same classes in the morning, eat lunch at the same time, go to same classes in the afternoon, and we're in one building the whole day. yeah, a little weird. but the lunch part is a plus about living at home.

ok, so then, anatomy lecture, of course.

we continue with nervous system structure - this time, getting down to the nitty-gritty of the peripheral nervous sytem: motor & sensory, somatic vs. autonomic, and within autonomic, sympathetic & parasympathetic.

right. here is where most of you go, wtf did she just say? was that english? yes, actually. and that's just the simple stuff - i didn't even use those words in an actual sentence!

don't get me wrong, i was doing ok initially - took some decent notes, followed prof. mulheron's diagrams & schematics - i was thinking, yeah, there's a lot, but i can handle it; i'll just study my ass off.

but by the end -- notice a trend here? -- the vocabulary and the concepts and the intricacy had just built up to such a point that... when he finally asked us a question that sounded like, where does the preganglionic sympathetic motor neuron reach the white matter ramus, except for the fact that it made no sense whatsoever... the four of us: myself, jenny, caroline, and sharlene, just looked at each other and laughed. we couldn't even stop laughing. we were like, did he use actual words?! it was absurd. the whole situation was absurd.

and that's only hitting 2pm.

we had another lecture after that, on radiology, until 3:15 or so. i couldn't even take notes at first - caroline described it best when she said, i feel like i just had the shit kicked out of me. literally. the neuroanatomy stuff just hit us so hard that it took this huge effort to come back for part two and actually pay attention. in the midst of that, achy and yawning, i couldn't imagine how i'd have any energy left to go to anatomy lab and start dissecting!

so, 3:30pm. we're decked out in our assorted colors of scrubs - mostly light blue and teal green, with a scattering of red, peach, purple, even black (the guys think they're so hot in black scrubs). we're all wearing old shoes, old ratty lab coats, and i've got two layers of gloves on. seriously, dudes, i am taking no chances with getting anything on my hands, getting my gloves sliced through by a stray scalpel, or having my fingers go numb because of the preservatives in the cadaver.

we went in, and today was completely different. today they basically said, ok, get started. i looked at robert, glanced quickly at our notes from last night, scanned the rest of my group to see their reactions, and we did it. we unwrapped our cadaver from its plastic wrap and damp terrycloth towels. and there was our guy.

[if you feel uneasy about this, please don't read on. but i do want to share my experiences here.]

the only dead people i have ever seen were at open-casket funerals.

this was nothing like that. this was unlike anything i've ever seen in my life.

he was clearly an older gentleman -- and we guessed "gentleman" because of the male pattern baldness -- but his body was in good shape. i was very thankful to him for that.

but i didn't even have a chance to say hello, to introduce myself, to peer around to his face and catch a glimpse of this man who had given his body to us so that we could learn, to train, to become really great doctors.

because the dissection began then. almost immediately, it was like we weren't dealing with a human body - our talk consisted of "the external occipital" this, "the inferior angle" that. and i started to cut.

between the four of us, we made pretty good progress. i was rather pleased that i was able to make strong, smooth cuts, and remove the skin cleanly and without tearing. robert was proud of me and the other girl in our group, sirisha, for not being faint and for working so well at it. i'll admit, we were rather proud of ourselves.

it was a completely strange experience.

because i was ok with the scalpel - i really was. i was also ok with the forceps, ok with the hematome, ok with the scissors.
but when people started digging: actually sliding their fingers under muscles & tissues, pulling upwards and tugging and shoving, that's when i sort of lost my cool.

at the time, i was cutting at some superficial tissue, clearing the trapezius muscle, examining its attachments. then i straightened up and took a step back. i thought about it, what we were doing. i took a deep breath. i smelled the horrible smells all over again. and i just could not do it anymore.

i stepped out of the room, into the next room, a non-dissection lab. i walked around a bit, breathed slowly, tried to relax myself. but even when i came back, that was it. i was 'done.' i couldn't cut, i couldn't even get too close.

i felt disgusted, both physically with the sheer nauseating nature of it all, and much more so, mentally, with what we were doing at that moment.. essentially ripping a human body apart. it just felt so wrong, and the magnitude of that wrongness hit me all at once.

it wasn't what i expected. i had expected that i would feel uneasy initially - you know, that first rush of anxiety and shock - and that i would gradually get used to it. but i had entirely the opposite reaction: i was "fine" until i started to think "too much."

i say "too much" in quotes because i don't believe i was thinking too much. but i know that's what it's considered in this sort of work. you're supposed to "separate yourself" - you're supposed to remember why you're doing it and concentrate on learning.

they reassure you, the professors do, before lab begins, that it's normal to feel uneasy, that as people with compassion and respect for human life, we should feel uneasy, and that we should remember to be thankful to these people who so generously donate their bodies to the anatomical association, for use in our first-year course.

but once you're in the lab it's like everything has shifted. these same professors come over to help you and demonstrate how to find a certain muscle, and it feels like they're just attacking the entire cadaver with their hands. and when you feel uncomfortable you get responses like "it'll get easier" -- like cutting open a human body is supposed to ever be easy -- or, even worse, you get those head-tilted, sympathetic looks from the guys in the class. again, as if the women are supposed to be the only "sentimental" ones.

don't get me wrong - some of my classmates & friends were really understanding... especially those who were going through the same thing. caroline, for example, wasn't able to cut at all for the majority of lab, just stood and watched, but she finally felt ok doing it by the end. and even many who wouldn't really admit to their unease, you could tell, were feeling it, too.

i don't know what to compare this to, so i won't try anymore. i have just never felt so uncomfortable about something that i was personally doing.

i was in a really strange mood for the last half hour of lab; i drifted around, unable to get enthusiastic about anything, much less, about a successful part of the dissection or whatever. i didn't want to look at any of the study materials - i just didn't care anymore. it'd been way too long a day, i couldn't stand up anymore, i just wanted to finish up and go home.

but even wrapping up our guy, apparently, wasn't supposed to be a halfway dignified process. i tugged the towels around his arms, tucked them in under his body, and covered his head gently, before putting the plastic wrap back on. and i thought that was fine.

then a group member commented that we "didn't really need to be so delicate" about handling the cadaver. i just looked at him, at first. but i'm not one to hold my tongue. i responded that we didn't need to be so rough when dissecting, either.

one of the other guys had already (accidentally?) sliced through muscles we weren't supposed to, probably because he was trying to work "efficiently," i.e. way too fast. and we'd let it slide - we'd reassured him, it happens. and now you, mr. no emotion, have the nerve to tell me we're being too damn "delicate"?

i was so done by that point.

i got out of the lab, peeled off two layers of gloves, washed my hands about five times, went to my locker, stripped off my scrubs in the hallway because it's day 2 and already i have no shame anymore, got into my clean clothes and didn't talk to anyone until i was leaving.

drove home, picked up groceries, talked to the family for two seconds, but couldn't actually say anything. i felt frozen. it was like - i wanted to talk, but i didn't want to open my mouth to speak.

still, now, i feel so physically drained of everything but this lingering sort of quiet sadness.
i'm sitting here staring at my screen, not knowing what to do next. i feel so depressed about this whole thing.

the thought of going in to class again tomorrow, sitting there for two hours as i get pounded with even more biochemistry that i just do not understand, struggling through the entire day...
the thought of diving into anatomy material that is going to take me hours and hours to get through, and that just being review of today's lectures, much less preparing for thursday's dissection...
the thought that my whole week will look like this, and i'll spend the weekend trying desperately to catch up and absorb everything, only to add on more material on monday...

it's pretty damn painful.

i can't believe i've been writing for an hour.
i guess i really needed to today.

pray for me, if you could.

so this was actually my first day.

2007-08-13T19:44:00.000-04:00

first response: oh dear lord.

after an exhausting, stimulating, interesting, and really frickin' fun week of orientation, i've finally started classes in medical school.
for real, now.

today was two hours of biochemistry lecture, an hour of lunch / freaking out / changing into scrubs in the hallway, two hours of anatomy lecture, half an hour of awkwardly standing around the lab next to our (still wrapped) cadavers, and an hour of talking to second-years who simultaneously reassured me that i "could do it" while also scaring the shit out of me.

apparently i look hot in scrubs. apparently, also, i should pack a less messy lunch.

i don't even know where to start.

well, that's not quite true. i know i should begin by just "keeping up": going over the material we were lectured on today, making sure i understand everything.

biochem is really scary to me, i'm not sure why... i did fine in organic chemistry (at least, during the semester i didn't have mono) because i worked my ass off. and i know i can do the same now. but the terminology, the figures, the logic of it - i feel so far removed from that. these molecules don't mean anything to me. i took the MCAT and then forgot they ever existed. and now i don't even want to open my notes because i know that waiting for me will be the amino acids and protein structures of this morning...

as for gross anatomy. later i'm meeting up with robert (lab partner) to prep for tomorrow's dissection. yes, we actually start cutting tomorrow. the plastic wrap comes off, as do the wet terrycloth towels, and we meet our guy. or our woman.

i have lots of mixed feelings about this... maybe not quite mixed, as they're mostly negative, but yeah. mixed feelings. i was so nervous today - so uneasy - anxious about what we'd be starting. even now, that anxiety has not at all been relieved, because we didn't see the cadaver at all. i don't even know how comfortable i am with it. one step at a time, as my friends keep saying. but it's scary. i'm going to actually be cutting into a dead person's body... not only that, but peeling their skin away. cutting through their muscles. examining their organs. pointing out various structures and vessels and - oh lord.

how am i supposed to do this?

and how am i supposed to survive this semester... i feel like there's so much already. i mean, i'm talking to these second-years, and it seems like there's barely time to do anything. and then i talk to others and it seems i can still have a normal life. i don't know what's the case for me - i have to find out for myself.

i just feel.. overwhelmed. i feel like i need to keep taking these deep breaths - deep sighs, more like it - just to relax myself, but it's not working.

i. am. scared. at least, i say i'm scared. but it's not fear so much as dread...

fear, i think, for me, is more the feeling when i have when i don't know what to expect. dread, on the other hand - that's that sense of impending.. i don't know.. doom? hah. that sounds morbid.

but i feel dread when i know, at least a little, what to expect, and i can tell it's not gonna be pretty. or easy. or full of happy bunnies and flowers and lots of sleep.

i can see how fear might be a worse thing to have - that great big unknown before you - but in this case, when the reality IS just as scary as you thought it might be, dread is definitely the kicker.

i need to focus, and pace myself. i can already see how i could get really stressed out with all of this. i mean, it's 6:30. i'm getting nervous just thinking about how on earth i'll ever understand all of this material by tonight.

time to start, i guess.

i'm glad andrew encouraged me to write my thoughts down... to reflect on the day's challenges, my feelings, my goals. hah, goals. after today, i stopped thinking about anything lofty. my goal right now is to survive. to pass. to come out of this stronger. nah, that's too much for now. we'll say, to survive. :)

the heights of new york.

2007-07-08T20:31:00.000-04:00

ah, what a beautiful day.

i'm back in brooklyn until tomorrow, getting some of my things packed. after finishing my job, i spent the last week in jersey, taking care of errands, spending time with my family, and planning for med school.

my biggest project right now is preparing to move back home to my family's house for my first year of medical school.
i need to somehow segment the basement and arrange part of it as "my own," as well as clear out my bedroom to make room for all my stuff that's in brooklyn...

::gulp::

this is going to be like merging two homes into one. is that possible?

well, i have to try.

***

i came back yesterday and got started with a bit of sorting and a bit of throwing-away... but it's roasting up here, which makes it hard to move around very much without sweating balls. so i find myself dragging my feet around the apartment, haha.

today i slept in, then made plans to meet one of my best friends, jenna, for brunch in park slope. we got together at miriam and had organic eggs, labneh, salad, pita - the works. mm, so tasty... love the middle eastern food.

actually, the way it really happened was this: i got there at 3:00, waited a while, ended up ordering for both of us, while waiting for my cute, but notoriously late, friend, who showed up at 3:30... :)

afterwards, jenna says, "let's take a walk!"
and we did. in fact, we took the most expensive walk i've ever taken.

we hadn't even walked half a block on 5th ave when we passed this little boutique, flirt. we both stopped, squealed a little, and decided to just "take a look."
that look turned into us gushing over cute dress after cute dress, and eventually buying matching argyle t-shirts, $26 each. it's all good, we figure - $26 ain't bad.

next stop was practically on the same damn block: an organic body products shop. we chatted about every luscious product in the store, and i ended up with some pretty perfect lemon cypress hand lotion, and henna shampoo. i'm absolutely sure the store owner was arab, as he chuckled at our "yallah"s and "haram"s. but he didn't say a word. :)

by then, we're roasting and in need of some sit-down environment with A/C plus something cool and refreshing. we spot a frozen yogurt shop called oko. bingo. that'll hit the spot.
it turns out they make frozen yogurt "greek-style," which to me means that it tastes like really really cold laban, which means it's definitely perfect. we get cups of the 'original' topped with organic raspberries. am i in heaven? probably.

then, it's time for the serious shopping. yes, this is what we've been working towards, the ultimate in spending territory: these few blocks around union st. & 5th ave that seem to utterly contain every kind of clothes shopping we could want. brooklyn industries, for pricey hoodies. beacon's closet, for stuff somebody else has already worn. and our pick for today, something else, stock full of hot jeans, unique tops, and a million dresses.

umm, yeah. this could get overwhelming.
and it does, but luckily i have jenna with me, who is simultaneously like a shot of self-esteem boost, and also the worst influence ever, because she convinces me that a pair of jeans that make your butt look amazing are completely worth the cost. and maybe they are. heck, it's an investment. i'll wear 'em every day, won't i? mm hm. ring 'em up.

at this point i have decided that park slope is either (a) the place that will be my demise, or (b) the neighborhood i am dying to live in. i mean, really. how can so many adorable things be in one area?! i have to live here!

look, i've already planned it out in my head: i'll live in a brownstone on a tree-lined street with my boyfriend and our cute, hypothetical dog, whom i shall name whitman, after the great walt. i obviously have to have a great job, to afford this place. but i'll worry about that later. :) i'll work out at the bikram yoga studio, we'll go to brunch on sundays, and eventually we'll push a maclaren stroller with a wee little one in organic cotton onesies.

is it me, or does that sound fucking fantastic?

***

it's getting close to 7:00 and we're done for the day. it's hot, we've spent a lot of money, and i have packing to do. i bid jenna farewell and start my 1.5 mile trek home.. i mean, it's not that far, and it's great for your legs but man is it way too hot for this. :)

i walk up through park slope, east into prospect heights, and then further east into my neighborhood. as i walk i notice some profound changes, just as i cross underhill avenue, less than three avenue blocks away from where i live.

i hadn't thought much about my surroundings, as they all looked pretty awesome to me, but then i cross underhill and it seems stark and sudden.

reality check. when compared to the rest of the world, miss rula, you're pretty damn rich.

here, the entire demographic and setting have changed -
from young yuppie couples, many with strollers, to entire families, and multiple generations on the street.
from the aura of cooler-than-thou, where hipsters barely spare a glance, to 60-yr-old men catcalling me.. lady in red, hey beautiful, look at that smile.
from lush trees and brownstones and smooth sidewalks, to peeling paint and cracked surfaces and baring trunks.

from white people, to black.

from relatively rich, to poor.

and it reminds me where i live. it reminds me that my home here truly does sit right smack in crown heights... not the prospect heights fondly referred to by brokers. i live in a neighborhood with an extremely high poverty level, with drug pushers, with very personal crimes on the next block.

c'mon, this is brooklyn, you say. what'd you expect? this is why i spend $1700 on my tiny walk-up in the village!

yes, but can you experience the things i do here? can you see the face of new york beyond the gloss and the smugly high prices and the eyesore condo high-rises?

can you see new york for what it is - an incredible array of people from every walk, every lifestyle, every advantage or disadvantage? a place that makes or breaks you?

i may have my fantasies of an idyllic life in park slope, but the fact is that, for me, it is impossible to remain oblivious here. and that is why i don't know if i'd be ok living that way, especially with the likelihood of self-absorbed neighbors raising their toddlers to feel entitled. because, what, you happen to be well-off? no matter how good things are, i can't just ignore what's around me.

so i'm saved from a guilt trip.
i tell myself it's ok to laze around on a sunday, because hey, at least you get it, right? you're not that spoiled -- because you know what it's like for the impoverished around you, right? you can put yourself in their shoes... right?

right.

last day.

2007-06-29T22:38:00.000-04:00

adapted from an email to andrew today at 4:40 pm:

it's crazy to think- this was my last day of work.

last day in the lab that i manage, where i meet families, where i hang out, where i've either been getting angry or laughing hysterically for the past year and a half.

where i've gossiped. where i've read news articles and watched online videos and taken photos and stuck post-its on every imaginable surface.

where i've collated data and placed orders and stressed over a budget and run up and down the stairs all day. where i've talked to coworkers while messing around on my little ibook.

and though i may do these things again, in some different sequence, this is the last day that is going to look like it has so far - taking the S to prospect park, the Q to union square, the R to 8th street... walking down to think coffee for my bagel (toasted sesame, cream cheese) & cappuccino... smiling hello to the guards in meyer building, who inevitably recognize me and wave me on... plopping my stuff down, reading email, pulling on my cozy lab sweater, going over to chat with lauren & kevin.

teasing. kvetching. debating. rejoicing. laughing.
lots of laughing.

squeezing the sweet babies. joking with the moms. lab meetings. "baby splitting." the annoying action lab. no shows. babysitting the toddlers. null results, or problems with the set-up, and then realizing our panic was for nothing.

it's also crazy... how i fall into this work, get caught up in doing things and talking to people and responding and organizing and always "finishing up" something.

i've been writing this since noon. :)

since then i've been packing up, basically, and saying my goodbyes. last conversations, but not really last, as i know i will see these people again... if not this year, then in the future.
but i know that, at least.

i visited catharine, our head of subject recruitment, and we had a nice chat about the labs, about our funny interactions, about religion and families. i'm really going to miss her - she's so sweet and delightful.

then laura came down to hang out with me, kevin, and kasey... we laughed about all kinds of crazy things. it's hard to leave these guys - i mean, i miss lauren already. we've had a really good year-plus together.

they've all made this work a million times more tolerable, and entertaining, every single day.

so now it's actually ending.. it'll be 5:00 soon, i've got my things packed, my laptop backed up, papers in order, and have passed off pretty much everything to yulia. it's all her now. i'm no longer the manager here.. i have a different job, stepping back into my former role: that of a student.

basically this whole thing is crazy. :)

a year later, another big transition in my life...

i want a christmas tree in here.

2005-12-11T23:20:00.000-05:00

grey's anatomy made me feel even more lonely.

it's the holidays. that's what it is. the talk of them, the preparation, the gathering of friends & families that leads to both joy and argument

and then it's the love lost. the way it still sits under everything you do, the way it doesn't really go away even when you think you're better

it's the wanting someone to be there, someone who isn't going to hurt you. someone who's never going to leave.

really deep sigh.

this is a test

2005-11-06T17:20:00.000-05:00

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